Please Change So I Feel Better

 

Every so often, the Rowdies get... well... Rowdy.

Most of the time they just listen to me (like good little Rowdies should - ha!).

But every so often, there's a topic that comes up for the forum that just isn't easy. It requires re-writing brain-religions. 

And re-writing a brain-religion isn't that easy.

Yesterday was a big day on the Rowdy forum. We had a Rowdy (Rowdy Connection Wanter) that had gotten into a fight with her husband. She was so heart broken over her story. She believed that HE should be her Emotional Partner. 

This is a classic Rowdy story of "Please change so that I can feel better." (Of course - Rowdies know that we never need someone else to change so that we feel better. But we forget sometimes and need to be reminded.)

So... if you've ever wanted someone to be different so that you could feel better... (I mean who hasn't, right?) read on. 

Rowdy Connection Wanter: 

I had a fight with my husband last night.  It was more of an explosion. The fight was over something stupid.  Over who does more.  A cliché, really.  But I wanted him to make sure he knew what a martyr I am. 

About 30 minutes after I erupted, I apologized, even though it sucked to do it because I HATE apologizing. 

But here’s the problem.  I woke up this morning and I still feel angry, and abandoned, and alone.  But I feel so raw, and so empty, and like there is just a giant hole in me.  I am in so much pain today.  I can’t stop crying.  I feel like everything is broken. And that I am too tired to fix it. 

What I feel so raw about is that I feel like he is not being an emotional partner in our marriage. And I know he does care.  But I want more.  I want to see it more.  I want to feel it more.  I want to stop trying to convince myself that he is emotionally enough.  I know this is all work I need to do for myself.  

Meadow:

I know you’re sad. But you're only sad because of the thoughts that you are believing. (BTW... that's a BIG only.)

You're not sad because your husband doesn't feel like an emotional partner.

You're sad because of your story about your husband.

It's painful to want someone else to be different. 

It’s truly the recipe for hell.

Rowdy Connection Wanter:

But what if my story about my husband is true?  What if he really is emotionally unavailable? What if he really doesn't want more?  What if he really isn't an emotional parnter?

Meadow:

You said you don't FEEL like he's an emotional partner.

Your feelings are your own creation. 

Let's just say (for fun) that he isn't emotionally available. This is fact. It will never change.

Then what?

I'm racking my brain to think of what you mean by "emotional partner." And I'm thinking there's no such thing.

What's your definition?

Rowdy Connection Wanter:

Hmmm...emotional partner to me would be someone who I can be emotionally intimate with.  

Rowdy Mama:

I would agree that your husband doesn't feel like an emotional partner is a thought, but perhaps there is an actual circumstance that he is not an emotional partner right now.  Perhaps this is actually a fact.  I know that this isn't her situation, but let's say someone's husband is cheating on them, never home, out boozing etc. etc. It might actually be factual that he is not an emotional partner and that it's not a story.  Am I totally off base here?  

Meadow: 

I think I'm getting hung up on this "emotional partner" title. 

I think this title isn't going to be useful in this situation.

And yes - there are Circumstances like

C: Husband slept with someone else.

C: Husband takes drugs.

C: Husband is drunk.

C: Husband is not home.

C: Husband does not speak words.

But what we make that mean is up to us.

Rowdy Connection Wanter:

This is really interesting Meadow. I have used this word for most of my married life.  but I think you're right...it's a stupid idea.  I mean, everyone has emotions, therefore anyone can be an EMOTIONAL partner. Partner implies a connection or relationship.  I don't want my husband to have the SAME emotions as me.  So, why use that word.  How about just saying that I want my husband to be a partner.  

I think also it's a dangerous concept for me.  Because when I use the word emotional partner, what I really mean is that I want my husband to have read the manual, and do all the things I think he should say or do, and then he would be an emotional robot partner.  Youch.  You're right.  I don't want any of those things.  I gave up the manual months ago, and I never want it back.  

Rowdy 6 Year Old: 

Love the work on the 'emotional partner' thing.  Not sure I understand the trip-up in the term "emotional partner" which I think just means 'connection'.   

If wanting connection is part of the emotional recipe for hell then I am really lost.  If a woman does it all right (let's just assume that for purposes of my feeble mind right now) but her man doesn't join up with her efforts to connect, then what?  

I feel like a 6-year-old.  

Meadow.... 

Meadow: 

Ok - so this is where the problem is that you guys are confused about what connection is. Connection isn't an Action. And it isn't a Result. And it isn't a Circumstance.

Connection is a Feeling. That YOU feel.

I can feel very connected to someone - and yet - they can feel very disconnected to me. And vice versa.

Whether I feel connected to them - depends on what I think. Not on what they think, feel or do.

There's no such thing as having a partner in feeling. You feel what you feel because of what you're thinking.

Holding another person responsible for your feelings (including 'connection') is the recipe for hell. Understanding that your thoughts (and your thoughts only) create the feeling is the recipe for peace.

A man does not have to 'connect' for a woman to feel connected.

Rowdy 6 Year Old:

Meadow, 

How does a woman know that she has done everything she can for the marriage?  She loves him, but she cannot talk her way into 'feeling' connected to a man that has distanced himself emotionally, physically, financially (fill in more blanks here) and he does nothing.  

Thanks for your patience in explaining.  Not trying to be ornery... just want to be clear. 

Meadow:

A woman will never know that she has done everything she can for the marriage. That's impossible to ever know.

You have only done what you've done. No more. No less.

She can only know what she must do for herself.

If she loves him - then she loves that he doesn't want to connect back. At the same time, she loves herself - and is CONNECTED to herself enough to live the life she wants without holding him responsible for creating the life she wants to live.

She can definitely feel connected to a man that has distanced himself.

I know this.

Because I've done this.

I felt very connected to my hub when I left him. And he was disconnected from me physically, emotionally and financially. But that had nothing to do with how connected I felt to him.

But more importantly, I felt connected to myself. I knew I didn't need him to change. I knew I needed me to change to feel better.

Rowdy Connection Wanter

I could be totally wrong here, but I think most people, at least I know for myself, desire a deeper connection with their spouse than with anyone else.  And maybe that in itself is a problem. 

I also think that if you have given everything you have to make that connection, and your partner doesn't reciprocate, then it would be time to clean up your thoughts about leaving, and leave.  Am i wrong here??

Meadow:

I think that the problem here is that people want to have a deeper connection with ANOTHER PERSON.

Seriously.

We want connection and then we point at someone and say: YOU first. YOU Connect to ME.

All the while - we don't realize that this behavior is DISCONNECTING us from ourselves.

The important work is for ME to connect to ME. And then when I'm connected to ME - I also feel connected to YOU.

And darling - you can't give everything you have to make a connection. Connection is a feeling. It's not a result. You either think thoughts that create the feeling of connection or you don't. It has nothing to do with being reciprocated.

If you're interested in joining us in more of these conversations - we'd love to have you. Click here to join the Rowdy for Money or Art of Self Coaching classes.

This @#$% Really Works

It's kinda funny how I live and breathe thought-work and yet I am still absolutely shocked when it works.

It's like, duh.

What did I think was going to happen? That it wouldn't work?

So here's the event that triggered my latest need to use my own coaching.

It's called Tuesday morning.

As in the Tuesday after a 3 day weekend.

More specifically the Tuesday after the 3-day-4th-of-July weekend that I spent at the lake in my homemade-island of happiness. (Picture floatie, add a giant sun-shielding umbrella held with my big toe for stability, my pink watered-down-because-ice-melts-really-fast-in-100+temperatures cocktail, giant sunglasses, tons of sunsceen, and my no-brain-cells-needed summer reading... add these together and you get homemade-island of happiness.)

I digress... back to Tuesday morning.

Before I even opened my eyes - I felt this sinking feeling. Ugh.

I hate sinking feelings. 

This was worse than a I-need-coffee-and-now sinking feeling.

This was like actual dread.

I am not a fan of dread.

I used to feel that feeling all the time. I was used to it. I could tolerate it.

But now... it's shocking. And horrible. 

I laid there for a while and then took my dread for a walk to my coffee maker.

Then I took it with me to my computer. Opened it. 5 million emails (I've already told you that I never exaggerate). All important. Ugh. 

Dread got bigger.

Then, miraculously. Through the pink-drink-soaked web of brain cells, two neurons made contact.

Oh my gosh! I know how to fix this. 

I can coach myself.

Must.

Fix.

This.

Now.

So here's the dialogue that I had with myself:

Coach Self: What's up with the dread? What's the thought causing it?

Pink Drink Self: I have so much work to do. I don't know where to start. I will never finish. I need to get that kit on my site. I have all those classes to edit. I need to correct the coaches' tests. I need to listen to the other coach's recordings, I needtocheckmy5millionemailsand...

Coach Self: Woah.... slow down. First of all... You don't have SO much work to do. You have your work to do. Period. And you do know where to start. And you know that it is never done and that's ok. So what's really bothering you?

Pink Drink Self: I have a bunch of half-finished projects - and my people prefer to pay me money when my projects are fully finished. 

Coach Self: Ok - that's the one to work.

Pink Drink Self: (writing in journal now - using Brooke's Self Coaching Model)

Circumstance (C): Tuesday morning

Thought (T): I have a bunch of half-finished projects and will never finish them which means I will never be paid and then I will be broke and then I will be known as the worst money coach ever. (A little dramatic - but that's what I was thinking)

Feeling (F): DREAD (Ahhhh... there you are you sneaky bastard... I found the thought causing you. HA!)

Action (A): Open my laptop and religiously facebook, read my horoscope, and delete spam (totally productive, shut up.)

Result (R): I end up with a bunch of half-finished projects and no income.

NEW BETTER FEELING MODEL

C: Tuesday morning

T: I can totally do this.

F: determined (soooo much better than dread)

A: friggin work my ass off and commit to not facebooking, chatting or anything else for the next two work days until my projects are DONE

R: Work gets DONE. (If you want to see what I actually did do in real life - click here. This page didn't exist on my site two days ago - and now it does. I love myself.)

Ahhhh.... 

Feel.

So.

Much.

Better. (Hence the title of this post.)

So... two days later... one new thought created: 

• A WAY better feeling
• A new web page with a bunch of finished and awesome things to share with you
• And I have a new blog post.

Honestly... try my thought out and see if it works for you.

I can totally do this.

(If you're not from California - you might want to drop the 'totally' as you may not be as comfortable with surfer-speak as I am... but feel free to insert another word of your choice there.)

Saying Goodbye to Nancy

Five years ago, summer of 2006, I bought a house. On Nancy Avenue.

Well, more accurately, I mortagaged a house. 

And then, two and half years ago, I moved out of that house.

This past Friday, I finally paid the last dollar I owed for it.

The Nancy House was a very hard lesson learned.

If I had a way to deliver a letter to my 2006-self. One that could spare her from making this decision. One that could save her unnecessary suffering.

This is what I'd say:

Dear Meadow,

Remember the first time you saw the Nancy house? You were thinking "It's so small. It's so cute." 

You'd been dreaming of a simpler life for a few years at that point. One without nannies and gardners and employees and snow. One where your husband loved you. One where just-the-three-of-us was enough.

You saw this house and you thought maybe ... just maybe... it would work.

Maybe this little house could save a marriage. Maybe with less room to roam, there would be conversations and laughter again. Maybe you could walk down to the water at night and watch the sunset. Maybe this would be the house that saved everything.

So you bought this house, because of a dream that you had. Not because you truly wanted it. You wanted the fantasy that you thought this house contained.

You didn't even think about renting. About trying out the new town. About seeing if there was any shred of love left. 

Nope.

You just dove in. As you normally do. Close your eyes and wish. 

You gave 104,000 of your dollars before you even moved into this house. And leveraged your future for the rest.

For 30 months you paid. Not only in dollars. You paid in tears.

This was not the house that fixed everything.

This was the house where everything broke apart.

Your heart. Your marriage. Your future.

While you painted her bedroom and planted flowers and put in tiles and raked leaves.

While you sat at home and waited.

The value of houses began to free fall.

And the price of staying.

Became unbearable.

So you moved. And you sold the house.

The $104,000 was gone. So was the additional $139,921 that you paid into this dream.

And that still wasn't enough.

To get out would be another $25,500.

So, you borrowed more money.

From his step-mom.

And continued to pay on the house where your dreams fell apart. Where your life broke open.

But you knew it would be worth it. You knew you couldn't stay.

The day you left that house you knelt down on the floor in the empty kitchen. And cried.

And promised you would never do this again. Any of it.

And you walked out relieved that you'd never step foot in that house.

Let alone that neighborhood.

Again.

Except, the universe didn't exactly want to let you off that easy.

The following winter, he moved back into The House. With his new girlfriend. Into the house where your life broke apart.

And your daughter slept in the same room that you painted. And played in the flowers that you planted. Except you weren't there.

And now, you knock on your old door on Nancy to pick up your girl. 

As you continue to pay that bill.

Financially.

Emotionally.

Spiritually.

So, Meadow. I'd love to say that you shouldn't buy that house. That the price is too much. That the lesson is too hard.

I'd love to save you the heartache and the cash.

But, I'm going to tell you something that you couldn't possibly know.

The day you sent off the final payment was one of the greatest days of your life. You paid the loan off three years early. 

You paid your financial debt.

You paid your emotional debt.

And you were free.

Free of the house.

Free of the fantasy.

Free of the pain.

You bought that house thinking that it would be the house that saved everything.

And it was.

All told you paid 270,262 in dollars and probably just as many tears. To find yourself.

Exactly as you should be.

A Note to My People

 

So I unplugged for a little over 48 hours.

It was beyond wonderful. 

I was up on the top of the mountain with my man.

No cell phone.

No wi-fi.  

Just us.

Well, us... and some Ronnie Dunn on repeat, great food, a few bottles of viognier (some killer camping mojitos), back-to-back Bethenny books (for me - not him) and some warm sunshine (and a few biting flies that I'm going to try to erase from my memory).

It's funny how you guys are still with me, though.

I'm a million miles (yes, I measured - no exaggeration) from civilization and I'm wondering how Lizzie's doing with her money hangover.

If Kira's using her super-stealth-ninja techniques.

If Susan's allowing herself to weigh less - and not feel compelled to see that number creep up again.

If Marybeth is still being her cute loving and supportive self.

If 1-L and 2-L are doing their money work and if 2-L has had another super cry.

If Smith is still putting herself out there.

If P is taking her turn instead of waiting to be saved.

If Renee has even started hers.

If Audrey has found the courage to take some risks.

If SL is going to give up her credit cards.

If Katie's doing her self coaching.

I'm wondering about all the other Rowdies that are in class and might - or might not - be posting over the weekend.

I'm wondering about my Money Coaches that just finished training. I'm wondering how they are doing on their first weekend out into the world of creating a new practice.

I'm wondering about my students that just finished the Money Love Club - and about how extraordinary it is - that in four short weeks - these people made such giant changes to their finances.

I'm wondering about my private coaching clients. About their spending. About their earning.

I'm wondering if they are making their goals. If they are working through their challenges.

I'm wondering how everyone is doing.

My rowdies.

My students.

My clients.

My readers.

If you're keeping up with your thought work.

If you're helping each other.

I just realized how much I love you guys.

How much I love my clients.

And what I do for a living.

I love that I'm on the top of the mountain - loving every minute of it. 

Knowing that this work is what made it possible for me to have the life that I do.

To be as happy as I am.

And that loving every minute of it still means that you guys are with me.

In my mind.

In my heart.

Most of all... as with everything.

In my thoughts.

It's good to be back.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

My job is to challenge my clients on their beliefs.

To help uncover beliefs that cause pain. Or beliefs that create unwanted results. Or beliefs that plain-ole-just don't make any sense.

And, inevitably... part of my job.
Is pissing people off.

And I know something about this. I've been pissed too. I've gotten so mad at my coach that I've hung up on her. And ranted around my house. And jumped up and down. And yelled at the sky.

I hate being wrong.

Even worse.

I hate being wrong for a long time.

So do my clients.

And a lot of these beliefs.

Have been there a long time.

So sometimes my clients get mad.

Because I question them on things they don't want to be questioned about.

Because I challenge them to give up their painful stories.

Because I challenge them to grow up.

Take responsibility.

Stop blaming.

Stop hiding.

And through this process find freedom.

And sometimes they stay mad.

Because they don't want to be wrong.

Even if 'being right' means prolonging their suffering.

My clients say: I'm mad at you.

As if this is something being done to me.

They think that they can point their mad at me.

But, the only direction that anger can ever point.

Is in.

Instead of saying "I'm mad at you."

We should say:

I'm mad into me.

Because that's where the anger lives.

That's where it does its damage.

So, if I have to make the choice to to be wrong.

Or to be mad into me.

I'll be wrong.

To set myself free.

And I hope you will too.