The Truth

Sometimes it seems that life wants to give you a message. And if you don’t listen, that message gets bigger, stronger, louder. 

Well, yesterday was one of those days. 

A Rowdy posted one of our workbook questions on our forum, which opened a discussion. 

The question: What does the truth mean to you?

Without hesitation I wrote: 

The truth means living without apology.

I looked at that sentence for a long time, kind of... well, stunned. The answer seemed so clear, but am I really doing this? Do I live a life where I don’t apologize for who I am? Am I showing up? All the way?

A few hours later, Brooke and I were teaching our Life Coach School students result-based coaching techniques. For a demonstration, she asked me to pick a result I’d like to change in my life.

So, I picked a topic that’s not emotionally charged, not difficult. Really just no big deal. I want to have groceries in my fridge.

I really never have food in my house. If you saw the inside of my fridge - you’d be frightened.  It usually has coffee creamer, white wine (you know - the necessities) and maybe some lettuce and ketchup. I’d like to change that.

I’d like to be the kind of person that has groceries in her fridge. I work from home - meaning that I eat from home. It makes absolutely no sense that I wouldn’t have food in my house.

So the story I told Brooke, about my avoidance of the grocery store was that it’s too far away and that I just generally hate tasks that are just maintenance. I don’t like getting gas for my car, going to the post office, or to the grocery store.

After a few well placed questions by Brooke (she’s pretty good at what she does), we realized that the real reason I don’t like going to the grocery store is because I hate running into people I know when I’m still in my hiking clothes.

To be more blunt. I don’t want to be in public if I’m not pretty. 

Can you say vanity? Eeuw.

Seriously, shocking. I friggin have no groceries, ever. Because I don’t want to be seen.

How is it possible that I never knew this?

I mean, I know the vanity part. I am quite aware of that aspect of my personality. But, I didn’t know that my empty fridge was a result of it.

That’s the power of self coaching. Even the smallest little empty-fridge thought can have a life changing effect.

We decided to use my hike as leverage. To make a deal that I would go to the store a few times a week. And that I could go hiking after I put the groceries away. 

I remembered my thought: The truth means living without apology.

Which means, not apologizing or hiding if you don’t feel pretty.

So, without prettiness as a qualifier, I went to the store. (At which point I clocked it at 6 minutes away. I guess that doesn’t really support my ‘it’s too far to drive' theory.) In my hiking clothes. With no makeup on (the horror).

And guess what I saw?

Other moms. In their workout clothes. With no makeup. Buying groceries.

Duh. 

Ok, so my theory was officially blown at that point.

Came home and put away the groceries. And went on my hike.

This is where the story gets good... stay with me - I know talking about groceries isn’t that exciting - but it’s part of the set up for what happened on my hike.

Back to the hike...

Out on the trail I thought about what it means to live without apology. To live without saying: 

I’m sorry for who I am.
I’m sorry for what I look like.
I’m sorry for how much I like my work.
I’m sorry for how much money I make.
I’m sorry for how much I want.
I’m sorry that I can’t talk myself into settling for less.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry that my skin isn’t perfect.
I’m sorry for what I love.
I’m sorry for what I say.
I’m sorry for not being better.
I’m sorry for not being who you want me to be.

These apologies are completely useless. And so painful. And I realized that me and my ridiculous-vanity-about-going-to-the-store-without-make-up-on was just another version of saying “I’m sorry.”

My music was on shuffle, and Eminem & Rihanna came on in the middle of this. 

I Love the Way You Lie.

I heard the song in an entirely new way. 

Got me to thinking...

Can I love the part of me that wants to lie?  Can I love the part of me that wants to apologize for who I am?

The part of me that feels like I need to look pretty to feel safe. 

The part of me who wants others to accept me before I accept myself. 

The part of me that doesn’t trust what I know. 

Can I love this way I lie?

Right then, mid-song.

I came around the bend and saw a woman hiking toward me.

As she got closer, I could see her face. No eyebrows. No eyelashes. Wearing a wig.

She has cancer.

She looked right at me and then away, as if to say, “I’m sorry. Please don’t see me.”

We were out in the middle of nowhere. Me with my no-make-up-face and her with her wig.

Tears in my eyes, I wanted to tell her, “I love the way you lie.”

Because I get it.

I understand what makes a person wear a wig as if to apologize for the reality of their disease. 

I understand that lie. 

I have that part of me too. The part that wants to be pretty. Or to be right. Or to be smart. Or good enough. The part that wants to wear a wig on a hike - even though I’m sick with an illness that requires no apology.

I get why she wants to say “I’m sorry.”

But I also know how powerful it is to drop the apology.

Because I’ve done that, too.

I know what it’s like to show up.

To tell the truth.

Little by little. 

To know who I am. And love it.
To love what I look like. With or without makeup.
To love how much I like my work.
To love how much money I make.
To love how much I want. For myself and for others.
To love that I can’t talk myself into settling for less.
To love that I’m enough.
To love that my skin isn’t perfect.
To love what I love.
To love what I say.
To love that I don’t need to be better.
To love that I don’t need to be who you want me to be. 

The truth means living without apology.

I want you and the beautiful hiking-wig-lady to know:

I love the way you lie.
But you don’t have to.
You can take off that wig.
And I will still love you.
We all will.

Will you?

Money Love

I am so very happy to announce that my book, Money Love is now available as of TODAY. Following, is an excerpt from the book.

For purchasing details please click here.

 Our relationship with money is not a frivolous thing.  Money is a force in our life, whether we like it or not. It’s nearly impossible to live a life without money interfering or assisting in some way or another. 

Your relationship with money isn’t determined by luck or by chance. It’s determined by you. By what you believe. Money can be your friend or your enemy. It’s up to you to decide to do the work required to strengthen your relationship to your money and to yourself. To repair any damage. To open your eyes to who you really are. 

You might think you can run from yourself. Or that you can put this work off. Or that you can do this work later. And you’re right, you can run for a while. You can hide, pretend, cover your eyes. But, doing this will only postpone the inevitable. 

To repair your relationship with money means to repair your relationship with yourself. And that can be daunting. Especially if you don’t know who you are. Or what you want. Or what brings you joy. Especially if you’ve long silenced that inner voice who asks, “Please?”

But you are worth this work.

You are worth knowing.

You are worth Money Love.

Money Love means knowing yourself inside and out. It means understanding why you do what you do. It means knowing that your thoughts lead to your results. It means deliberately choosing beliefs that support the results you want to attain.

Money Love means telling yourself the truth. About everything. Even the yucky stuff. It means being willing to risk being yourself. And showing up.

Money Love means being at peace with money. Being proud of your money. Having integrity with your money. 

Money Love also means being at peace with what you owe. Being willing to forgive yourself. Being willing to keep your promises. It means being at peace with what you’ve done with your money in the past. And having compassion for the current state of your relationship. 

Money Love understands the strength of the big picture and the power of the small transaction. It understands that even one dollar has the potential to create abundance or scarcity in your life if you let it. It understands that each transaction affects not only your financial net worth but your emotional net worth as well.

Money Love means deliberately finding an abundant perspective on anything that you choose to give your money to. It means doing the thought work required when you feel scarce, or scared, or worried and choosing instead to feel grateful, generous, or empowered.

Money Love means taking a good long look at the work you do in this life. It means not tolerating negative thinking about the way you earn your money. It means telling a better story about the way your money comes into your hands. It means loving your work, and loving to get paid. 

Money Love means loyalty to your money. It means that you only spend money that you actually have. It believes in cash and understands what a dollar stands for.  It means spending money only on things that you really want. It means that you no longer spend for spending’s sake. 

Money Love means going into Target, Costco, the grocery store, or Nordstrom and staying present and conscious. It means walking through any store without the shame of a junkie. Without feeling deprived. Without feeling naughty or untrustworthy. It means walking into any store and knowing what you really want. And knowing that spending money, especially money that you do not have, can never create what you’re really wanting. It means knowing that your mind, alone, has that power.

Money Love knows that the worst thing that can happen is an uncomfortable emotion.

Money Love means that you will make mistakes. Even big ones. It means allowing yourself to make these mistakes, eyes wide open. To watch yourself doing the very thing you wish you weren’t and to stay connected to the present moment. To stay there with yourself and with your money. And to observe with the curiosity of a bright-eyed student. 

Money Love knows the journey ahead of you can be hard. That it might strip you naked. Exposing who you are to life itself. It knows that healthy relationships take work and that this work is worth doing. 

Money Love doesn’t give up. It doesn’t quit, even though it sometimes wants to.  It doesn’t expect the road to be easy. It appreciates the journey and doesn’t believe in the myth of a destination.

Money Love knows that relationships thrive on trust, communication and love. It expects that there will be times where faith and trust have been lost. It also knows the solid foundation that is built from allowing this bond to be broken and mended. And then mended again.

Money Love is found at the unshakable center of your life. It’s found at the core of who you are. It is found in the place where you drop all pretenses and look at yourself. 

And like what you see.

And smile. 

I want this for you. I want you to know the freedom on the other side of worry. I want you to know how it good it feels to drop the dysfunction and to start to love again. I want you to know that money isn’t your enemy. It isn’t against you. It hasn’t forsaken you. No matter what you’ve done or believed in the past, this relationship, between money and you, can be better. Stronger.

It might take some time. It may take quite a bit of effort. It will probably take a helluva lot of practice and some pretty radical self-awareness.

But, do this work. 

Money Love is worth more than any price you pay to find it.  

And so are you.

What Rowdies Know

I am finishing up with my latest group of Rowdies and I love them dearly. Our Level 3 Art of Self Coaching class is finishing up this week, and tomorrow, we start with a brand new group of Level 1's.

It's incredible to witness how much growth can occur in three and a half months. And, I am so grateful to be able to be part of these women's lives.

This past week - we were talking about our top bullshit thoughts. Our Pre-Rowdy thoughts that used to create suffering or stress in our lives. Thoughts that we are now free (or mostly free) from. Thoughts that we have deliberately chosen not to believe.

Rowdies know these thoughts are just painful little lies. 

I wanted to share these with you... because maybe you still believe some of these. And maybe you can question the validity of these thoughts. 

Maybe you can ask yourself if you want to keep these thoughts - or let them go.

Maybe you're a little Rowdy, too. 

I don't have enough time.

I don't have enough money.

I'm not smart enough to do xyz.

I'll do it later.

I just love food.

I can't do this.

I need help.

I'm stuck.

It tastes good.

I'm lazy.

It's too hard.

It isn't fair.

I want it to be over.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to share.

I'll start on it tomorrow.

It won't matter anyway.

I shouldn't have done that.

No one can do it right except me.

I'm too old for that.

"They" are smarter, brighter, more artistic, etc.

I need to change.

I didn't say the right thing.

I wish I hadn't said that.

I wish I didn't do that.

I can't.

I'm bored.

It's not me.  It's you.

I'll start tomorrow.

I should be better.

If you just changed, I'd feel better.

I'd love to hear from you.

What are your top bullshit thoughts that you've now laid to rest? What thoughts are you still struggling with? What thoughts do you choose to believe now?

Thank goodness that life isn't fair

Last week, one of the Rowdies was having a bit of a pity-party on our private forum. We've all been there. Kind of run down. Tired. Wanting help. Wishing life was different. Easier. The reason why she felt this way, really isn't important. What matters? She was believing the thought "Life isn't fair."

I told her:

"It's not fair."

That can be a seriously painful thought. So common. And so toxic.

And you're not going to like this. The thought that will actually set you free here is:

IT IS NOT FAIR.

Seriously.

This is the best news ever.  You've been killing yourself trying to prove how it should be fair, how it could be fair, how to make it more fair.

And it's just not.

It never will be.

Ever.

Life isn't fair.

And it shouldn't be fair.

Japan gets hit with a tsunami.

We don't.

That's not fair.

You struggle with cleaning your house.

Other people struggle because they have no house.

That's not fair.

There truly is not one single thing in this life that IS fair.

That's reality.

Let life be what it is. Let it not be fair. Stop trying to make it fit your math equation. Just let it be what it is.

It's not fair.

And that's beautiful.

Give me 20 reasons why you are grateful that life isn't fair.

In other words - tell me 20 different ways that you have benefitted from life not being fair.

This exercise was life changing. Not only for the Rowdies that participated in it - but for me to read through the incredible ways the life has been unfair. And good.

I couldn't keep this amazing-ness to myself. 

Meadow's 20 Reasons Why Life Isn't Fair:

1. I was born to people who valued questioning authority.

2. I was taught to play music from the time I was able to walk.

3. I had a grandma who adored me.

4. I did not die when I was playing in water and the power line had fallen into it.

5. Getting good grades was ridiculously easy for me.

6. I've always been pretty. (Even when I didn't know I was.)

7. I was able to have a child. 

8. I was able to sell my music conservatory and move to the central coast.

9. I was lucky enough to have Brooke randomly find me through the internet. And was wise enough to figure out that she might be a great person to get to know.

10. I am able to work a job that I love and support myself and my daughter.

11. I have an iPhone.

12.  I get to start every morning and end every night reading amazing insights from people around the world. 

13. I know how to coach myself.

14. I was able to be a guest on Oprah.

15. I have an amazing team of people supporting me 24/7.

16. I had the courage to leave. And start over.

17. I had the great fortune to lose all my money and to find my way back.

18. I had the great fortune of being raised with violence and dysfunction so that I can help others heal.

19. I know what the truth means.

20. I believe in love.

Another Rowdy:

1. I was born to parents who loved and adored me.

2. I was born to parents who believe in the value of education.

3. I was born to parents who were financially able to provide for me.

4. I married the man I love and my parents love and support him as well as me.

5. I have 2 healthy and beautiful children.

6. I  have lived in 2 extremely dangerous countries for long periods of time and left unscathed.

7. I bought a house we could not normally afford because the builder was in foreclosure.

8. I can afford to take classes like this one, go to the gym, go to yoga, and have a massage every once in a while.

9. Because my husband is the primary earner, I can choose where/when/how I want to work.

10. I have been able to travel and expose myself to lots of different countries and cultures.

11. I became a US citizen 10 years ago. And I think there is no better place to be.

12. I have friends I can call upon whenever I need them.

13. My kids love and adore me.

14. We took a chance on a risky overseas assignment that no one else wanted, and had the best experience of our lives.

15. My mom did not die of cancer when I was 4 years old.

16. My daughter survived MRSA when she was 18 months old and living in a third world country.  Twice.

17. I was in 2 earthquakes on the top floor of a poorly constructed 15 floor apartment building.

18. For no good reason, other than Grace, my faith was given back to me after 30 years of missing it.

19.  In a dangerous situation, I watched my husband walk out our apartment door and knew that he would lay down his life for me and our children.

20.  When I hated and despised my high-paying corporate job, I was able to quit and start work as a catholic school teacher.

Another Rowdy

1. I've driven drunk and made it home okay.

2. I had a mammogram and it came back clear.

3. I was born in the US.

4. My child was born healthy.

5. I was able to conceive.

6. I was able to pay my bills this month.

7. I drove to work yesterday and made it safe.

8. The tsunami warning was a false alarm.

9. We had an earthquake a few years ago and my home and business were unaffected.

10.  My mom and sister have had breast cancer and they're still alive and cancer free.

11. I have health insurance.

12. My small business is successful.

13. When I was 17 and hiking in a bad spot, the ground did not crumble when I needed it to stay solid.

14. When that bottle of beer fell off our 12th floor balcony at the hotel it didn't hit anyone.

15. I found Self Coaching.

16. My dog didn't get hit by that car when the gate was left open.

17. When our boat ran out of gas in the middle of the ocean, it was only a moment before someone saw us and was able to help.

18. I pulled my hand back in time to avoid a serious injury.

19. My plane didn't crash.

20. I can always call my Mom.

Another Rowdy

1. My Mother decided to have and keep me although she was only 16.

2. My Dad married his pregnant High School sweetheart and last October we celebrated their 40 year love story.

3. At 3 I survived a sexual attack and the subsequent hospitalization, both great reminders of my own determination.

4. Met my best friend 33 years ago in grade 3, we just had lunch together last Sunday.

5. Have the best childhood memories on my Grandparents farm with my cousins.

6. My Grandpa was my hero. It was my privilege to hold his hand as he prepared to leave this world.

7. I have the 3 greatest brothers.

8. My family is dysfuctional. I know this, it has made me a better person.

9. I was fortunate to marry a man who reflected back to me all my fears and how little I thought of myself.

10. Together we had two beautiful children, the Sun and the Moon in my Universe.

11. I located my strength, fought my way out and started my life for the first time at 35.

12. My parents and two brothers have been very supportive and helpful. The third...well I love him anyway.

13. By the grace of God, I was able to purchase a modest house, in need of a lot of work, but close to my children's school, for my children and I to live.

14. I worked on this house, while I worked on me. Both are more me now.

15. I have a great sister-friend, who helps me remember who I am, when I forget.

16. I have grown from the strength, vulnerability and honesty of the Rowdies and our fearless leaders, Meadow & Brooke or Field & Stream as you might also know them.

17. I can run.

18. I can dance in my very own kitchen!

19. I have music in my life.

20. I can question my thoughts and laugh at life.

Another Rowdy

1. I was born to a 14 year old in a really small town who was brave enough to give me up for adoption.

2. I was adopted by fantastic parents

3. I've had the opportunity to travel all over the world

4. I'm able to say that my favorite pizza joint is in Peru.

5. I grew up going to top private schools.

6. I've never had to look for jobs- they always came to me somehow.

7. I went to college and grad school and never had to take out a loan

8. My hubby was on my first list of "matches" on e-harmony 

9. I was incredibly reckless in H.S. and college and didn't die - no joke.  I'm still amazed.

10. My big sister is a millionaire and never hesitates to help me

11. I have an amazing network of friends and family that support me.

12. I've had MS for 11 years and you wouldn't know by looking at me.

13. My first corporate job paid me a ridiculous salary

14. I've found a career that I love at a relatively early age. 

15. Going to college was never even a question for me

16. I was able to re-apply and finish my master's degree without having to retake the GRE or fully fill out the forms

17. I had an amazing boss who supported me fully when I told him I was leaving his company. He even let me go part time while I finished school. 

18. My hubby and I just took an all expenses paid trip to the Caribbean

19. I've had a car since I was 16

20. My hubby is completely supportive of me opening my own biz and doesn't get mad when I have a dry spell. 

21. Rowdies! 

Another Rowdy

1.  I had a Mom with an endless curiosity and love of learning.

2.  My angry, distant, alcoholic father never laid a hand on me.   

3.  I grew up in safe, beautiful place where I could explore outdoors.

4.  I had the freedom to learn things the hard way.

5.  I survived some dangerous situations with some very bad people.

6.  One day I stopped and never looked back.

7.  I got into a great college, paid my way, and graduated debt free.

8.  I made it to my Mom's bedside in time to hold her hand for her final breath.

9.  I was working the day my future husband stopped by the farm.

10. 30 years later - I love him more than ever.

11.  We left security to move across the country and it worked out great.  

12.  When we came back we ended up exactly where we needed to be. 

13.  I found my psychologist and I didn't give up.

14.  I can work my own schedule and be the parent I want to be.

15.  My children are healthy.

16.  My inlaws are loving.

17.  I have 2 true, deep, wonderful relationships with girlfriends and a kick-ass Big Sister. 

18.  I love my work and I feel proud of my success.

19.  I am healthy.

20.  I can afford to keep learning and be part of Rowdies. 

Over this past week, we have had hundreds of beautiful reasons why life isn't fair posted on our forum. I could post for pages and pages, but I wanted to just share some of the gratitude with you.

This is what some of the Rowdies said about doing this exercise:

Meadow, this was maybe the most powerful exercise I've done.  When I saw what you wanted me to do, I thought, OK, she's got me there.  OF COURSE, I can come up with 20 ways I have benefitted from life not being fair. In fact, I was so sure of this my initial instinct was not to even write it down.  But I'm SO GLAD I did, because it just made my heart overflow with gratitude and humility for the universe.  

For anyone else reading here, I would totally suggest you make your own list.  I just feel so grateful after doing it.

Thanks for this excercise. Feeling kinda shitty today, so this really helped.

Wow! It really does make me feel better!  

How can you not do this?! 

Now it's your turn. List your top 20 reasons. Write them down. Keep them where you can see them. I'd love for you to share them here (post a comment if you'd like) - or send me an email.

Really.

Do this.

Why You Shouldn't Listen to Me

I am not a financial advisor. I am not an accountant. I’m not even a bookkeeper. 

I’ve never worked on Wall Street. Or in a bank.  

I didn’t go to a fancy school. I got my degree in plain-ol’ Physics and Math from a tiny school in North Lake Tahoe. I never once took a class in finance.  

I don’t wear a suit or high heels to work. In fact, most of the time I work in yoga clothes with no shoes on. 

I don’t have a diverse financial portfolio. But, I used to have a quite a diverse credit card portfolio. One in every color.

I have made way more mistakes with money than you ever have.

I lived beyond my means for all of my twenties and most of my thirties.

I bought my last two houses at the highest point of the California market. And then waited until the very worst moment in recent real estate history to get a divorce and split assets (and when I say assets... I mean debt).

In 2008, I was 35 years old and over a half-million dollars in debt. Now it is 2011, and I have paid off all but $25,000.

I know what it feels like to stress about money. I’ve spent most of my life with that terrible feeling in my stomach. I know what money stress does to a person, to a business, to a marriage, to a family. 

I know what it’s like to not sleep at night. 

I know the guilt and anxiety that comes from over-spending. I know how awful it feels to be out of control.

I know what it’s like to think something is wrong with you. To wish you could fix whatever is broken.

I know the fear of not knowing where the next dollar is going to come from. Or how the bills are going to get paid. 

I know what it’s like to be scared of being found out. To be scared of people knowing that I was a fake. A fraud. To frantically try to keep the facade going. And to try to be better than I was.

I know what it’s like to be exhausted. And to want to give up.

Hoping to be saved.

And...

I also know what it’s like to have survived this. To save myself.

I know what it’s like to be strong. Courageous.

I know what it’s like to take responsibility for my life. For my finances.

I know what it’s like to start from scratch. Again.

And win.

I know what it’s like to love myself. To forgive myself. To understand myself. To have compassion for my past choices.

I know what it’s like to help people like me and like you out of financial hell. 

If we could sit down together, you could look into my eyes. And, if you looked closely enough, you would see that I have felt your same pain. 

And, because of this. You are my friend.

And because you’re my friend, I have decided to write a blog for you. 

And if this blog saves you from even one moment of unnecessary suffering. Then I have done my job. 

But, please don’t listen to me. 

I didn’t write this blog with that intention.

I wrote it for you to listen to yourself.

Take what’s right for you. 

And leave the rest.