The Harsh Truth About Healthy Boundaries

Listen.

We all have them.

Some of us have long ones. Some of us have short ones. Some of us have nice ones. Some of us have mean ones. Some of us pretend to not have them at all. And some of us just whip ‘em out at any old time, and use them as manipulative weapons of mass destruction.

No matter the size, the length or the age.

We always keep these hidden from sight. And we know the entire thing by heart.

On page 42 it might say, “If you see that I’m upset, you’re supposed to ask me what’s wrong.”

On page 128 it might say, “If it’s Christmas, you’re supposed to know what I want and get it for me.”

On page 387 it might say, “When you see a beautiful woman, you’re supposed to be struck blind momentarily and give me extra attention just because she walked by.”

On page 956 it might say, “When you’re upset, you’re supposed to talk to me and make me feel included.”

Basically, we carry around encyclopedia-set-sized invisible instruction manuals titled “How You Should Make Me Happy; Volumes I - Infinity.”

The problem is that these manuals are an ongoing project. There are undefinable loop holes. And horribly irrational penalties. There are blatant contradictions everywhere. Constant edits and ceaseless reprints. Written and re-written to offer an endless supply of hoops for the people in our lives to jump through. 

And our people?
They always fail.

Because no matter how much we love someone.
No matter how kind we are.
How smart we are. 
How cunning we are.

It’s impossible to follow all of the rules. All of the time.
Because it’s impossible to be in charge of making someone else happy.

Joy. Happiness. Peace. Love. Gratitude.
These are not states of being that can be created for another human being. 

We’ve been seriously duped into thinking that someone else can make us feel. We’ve been taught to believe: You followed my rule = I am happy. You didn’t follow my rule = I am mad/sad/jealous.

But here’s the truth: happiness can’t land on you. It can’t get painted on you. You can’t borrow it and wear it. It’s not a hand-me-down. It can’t be given to you by anything other than you.

We are happy when we choose to believe happy things. When we choose to focus on the positive. When we choose to love.

And this has nothing to do with whether or not someone followed your rule.

People break rules. They screw up. They check out a girl’s ass. Or forget your birthday. They text too much. Or not enough. They ignore you when you’re sad. Or forget to pick up toilet paper at the store.

And if we’ve set ourselves up to make our emotional state dependent on another person’s ability to follow our invisible manuals.

Then we lose. Every time.

And what about boundaries? Right? That’s what every student asks after they learn that they’ve gotta burn their manuals. They mistakenly believed that their manuals were boundaries. They think that by burning their manuals - they will become doormats of epic proportions. And that’s not the case. We’ve just been really confused about the difference between manuals and boundaries.

If manuals are titled “How You Should Make Me Happy.”

Boundaries would be titled “How I Make Me Happy.”

Boundaries are invisible manuals written exclusively for ourselves. They aren’t instructions for another person. They are only instructions for ourselves. They are never written out of anger. Or resent. Or manipulation. They are never written to make someone else behave. They are only written with the full acknowledgment that people do what they do. And we get to feel how we feel. And we get to choose to follow through with our own consequences. 

On page 2 it might say, “When I don’t get a call back. I will send an email instead.” 

On page 5 it might say, “If you are drunk, I will not have a charged discussion with you. I will leave and come back later.”

On page 6 it might say, “When I don’t want to do something, I will tell the truth.”

On page 11 it might say, “When I am upset, I will take responsibility to bring myself back to calm.”

On page 15 it might say, “If I want something for Christmas, I will ask for it. And if I don’t get it as a gift, I will make sure to get it for myself.”

On page 19 it might say, “When someone is late, I will still hold to my own time frame.” 

Boundaries are tough. They require a ton of self-awareness, rationality and emotional maturity. They require vulnerability, willingness to uphold consequences, and often they risk the very thing we’re trying to protect: the relationship itself.

They prevent us from becoming doormats. And hold us solely responsible for our inner state of being. 

Boundaries are about self love. And love of others. They are about caring for yourself and others. They give us new guidelines for inner peace. 

And most of importantly.
They work.

A Love Like That

I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. A little piece of heaven surrounded by ranches, farms and ocean in the middle of the California coast line.

This morning, I took advantage of an unusually-blank weekday morning and jumped in my car to go to one my favorite running trails about 20 minutes from my house.

Mornings can be utterly gorgeous in this valley. For the short time that California is green - it’s almost arrogant with its vibrancy. Showing off for the sky.

But not today.

Nope. Just grey. Subdued. 

Rounding the bend into the valley, to the left you can see all the way into wine country. And the hills beyond. To the right, you look up the valley to the ocean. Beyond the ranches.

And today there was a single horse in the middle of the field.

Surrounded by vultures. In an equidistant circle.

There had be at least 30 of them. Sitting there. Ring-around-the-rosie all facing the horse.

My heart sank. Something is wrong.

I got to my trail but couldn’t shake the thought of that horse and those vultures.

Should I have done something? Was something really wrong? What do those vultures know? Why were they there? If the horse ran away - would they follow her? Is the horse sick?

And I got to thinking...

Does this happen to us?

Is this happening to us?

When we are sick, or too tired, or too exhausted... do invisible vultures circle us? (Woo-woo, yes I know. But go with me on this one.) Are they just waiting for us to abandon ourselves? 

If we give into despair, or hopelessness or depression - does that give them the signal to feed? 

I’ve found that it only takes one step in the direction of choosing to live. One little action. One tiny decision. And the vultures are vaporized. 

They crave helplessness. Apathy. Indifference. And call all their friends and relatives for that feast.

They are repelled by vitality. By life force. By saying yes. By doing something.

As I ran the shore cliff - I patted myself on the back. First, for doing something (running) and keeping the invisible vultures away. And secondly, for coming up with such a nifty little blog post (yeah me).

A short-lived celebration.

On my way home, I turned left and leaned forward over the steering wheel to see if I could see the horse. Silently praying that neither the horse nor the vultures were there anymore.

Between the trees, I could see a truck. 

Oh good, someone is helping her.

Driving closer, I saw the horse. And two ranch women. Mud boots up to their knees. The horse running panicked arcs around the back of the truck. One woman with her arms out wide -  guarding the other woman who was holding a tiny stillborn foal. 

The size of a toddler across her arms.

Absolutely overcome with compassion. Love. Sadness. I stopped my car in tears. Watching the women work. Heart-broken, yet grateful for the lesson.

Knowing now what the vultures knew.

And what the horse-mama knew.

And what every woman who has ever lost a baby knows.

And I realized that the horse was keeping vigil.

And those vultures had no hope of getting to that baby.

And that maybe.

Just maybe.

Someone is also watching over me.

And watching over you.

And that the vultures don’t have a chance.

Against a love like that.

13 Things for 2013

I am not a fan of New Year's Resolutions.

There.

I said it.

And, this declaration might get me kicked out of the Life Coach Club. But hear me out.

New Years is a rite of passage. It's a time where we reflect on where we've been. Where we are. And where we are going. It is an incredibly important time for self-awareness. For self-development. For creativity.

But unfortunately, New Years has become synonomous with resolutions. And most of us don't set actual resolutions. We, instead, create laundry lists of grievances toward ourselves and think that this list will have the magical power to change us.

It doesn't.

A true resolution isn't: I hope.

It's: I will.

It's a definite decision. Deciding that we want something enough to follow through with the actions to get it. 

So instead of creating something to measure our self-loathing,  Rowdies skipped New Years Resolutions and had a little fun instead. 

We created Rowdy Boards. 13 things for 2013. 

Here are the 13 things and my answers.

1. Choose one word that symbolizes where you have been, the quality that you are most proud of. A word that embodies your journey to this moment. 

Hero. This word speaks to me as a symbol for self-responsibility. For my journey with money and with my life. Along with the Joan of Arc quote: "I am not afraid. I was born to do this."

2. Choose one word that symbolizes what you are currently practicing or working on. A quality that you are reaching for right now.

Team. This word symbolizes my desire to belong, love, trust and serve others.

3. Choose one word that symbolizes who you will become this year. The quality that embodies your journey forward. The word for your future.

Clean. Symbolizing healing from the inside out. Clean heart, soul, mind, breath and body.

4. Pick one location that you will actually visit this year. This place can symbolize the places that your journey this year.

Charleston, SC. For our East Coast Rowdy Retreat. So excited.

5. Pick one activity that symbolizes the actions that you will take this year. The things that you will do.

I picked two: Running and Yoga.

6. Pick one person you admire.

I picked one of the Rowdies, Tara. She is an amazing human being and a constant reminder to me to follow love, to be strong and that this is the work that I was born to do.

7. Pick something/somewhere that you belong.

Rowdies. They are my community. My people. My friends.

8. Pick one food/drink that symbolizes physical health.

Green smoothie.

9. Pick one word/image that symbolizes emotional/spiritual health.

Namaste. Hands together in prayer.

10. Pick one thing that you most want/need to offer or give. One way that you need to be more generous.

My ideas.

11. Pick one quote that speaks to you for the upcoming year.

For I have learned that every heart gets what it prays for. ~Hafiz

12. Pick one theme song for the upcoming year.

Give a Little Bit by Supertramp

13. Pick one thing/image that symbolizes open-heartedness, practicing calm, thought work, Rowdy work, or any type of self-development work.

My yoga mat.

Now take your 13 things and find some inspiring pictures and create a collage. Have fun with this.  

The Rowdies have been sharing their work on our forum - their boards are so beautiful. So inspiring. And I want to hear from you too! Please share your 13 things in the comments below. Join us today and receive the audio download for this workshop as a free bonus.

Rowdy Retreat Playlist 2012

Music is the thread that has run through every moment of my life. I was raised on rock and roll. I taught piano to put myself through college. I opened a music conservatory when I was 24. And sold it ten years later to take a giant risk to start a new career as a life coach.

Music is in my blood. It speaks to me in ways that naked words fall short. It resonates through my soul. It imprints itself on my heart.

Songs hold memories. They can take us back to the first time we heard them. They have a beautiful way of transporting us to the touchstone moment. This playlist was compiled for the Rowdy Retreat held in October 2012. It was a gift to the Rowdies who were at physically at the retreat and to the Rowdies who were at home witnessing the Retreat online. 

As always, the power of music completely astounds me. My intention for this playlist was to create a simple soundtrack to cement our retreat memories.

But as with everything Rowdy, it has taken on a life of its own. In two short months it has been the soundtrack to change. To evolution. To Rowdiness.

While this soundtrack played...

A woman fell back in love with her husband.

And herself.

Cancer was healed.

Marathon miles were run.

Truths were told.

Hurricanes passed.

Miles of roads were travelled.

Houses were sold.

A father was forgiven.

And so was a daughter.

And during the middle of a down pour, one very brave woman stepped out of her car, without her husband and kids to sign a lease for her new life.

1. Give a Little Bit ~ Supertramp

Give a Little Bit - The Very Best of Supertramp

This is what I ask of every Rowdy. Give a little bit of yourself and I will give a little bit of my life for you. Through this sharing we help each other. We love each other. And we find that we’re on our way back home. Together.

Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me

I’ll give a little bit
I’ll give a little bit of my life for you
Now’s the time that we need to share
So find yourself, we’re on our way back home

2. Home ~ Phillip Phillips

Home - The World from the Side of the Moon (Deluxe)

You’ll see a theme with these songs. Almost every one of them talks about heading home. Finding home. That’s because The Rowdy community is not only my home - it’s your home too.

The first time I heard this song was the American Idol Finale with Phillip Phillips. I had tears streaming down my face. All I could think of was the Rowdies. And that this song was written for us. The words spoke to me so deeply about what our community means to me.

Settle down - it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

3. Ho Hey ~ Lumineers

Ho Hey - Ho Hey - Single

I almost over-dosed on this song over this past summer that I spent in my little camper. I love the Lumineers. A happy song about belonging together

I belong with you
You belong with me

4. Timshel ~ Mumford & Sons

Timshel - Sigh No More

This song was inspired Steinbeck’s novel East of Eden. Timshel is a Hebrew word meaning ‘thou mayest’ - or in other words - it’s your choice. A very Rowdy word. This is a beautiful song about going through adversity and having each other’s backs.

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As Rowdies we will stand and we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand

5. Home ~ Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes

Home - Up from Below (Deluxe Edition)

This song just makes me laugh. Be careful because it will get stuck in your head. I love the irreverence and silliness. And I just love the chorus. Home is whenever I’m with you. I couldn’t agree more.

Ahh home.

Let me come home.
Home is whenever I’m with you.

6. Ain’t It Enough ~ Old Crow Medicine Show

Ain't It Enough - Carry Me Back

I heard this song late one night on my drive home from the airport and immediately pulled over to make a note of it for this playlist. “It’s only one life that we’ve got - but ain’t it enough.” It’s a lesson of acceptance, love, gratitude and abundance.

Ain’t it enough,
To live by the ways of the world
To be part of the picture
Whatever it’s worth
Throw your arms around each other
And love one another
For it’s only one life that we’ve got
But, ain’t it enough

7. That Wasn’t Me ~ Brandi Carlile

That Wasn't Me - Bear Creek

This is another song that reached out through the radio in my car and grabbed my heart with a very Rowdy message. It’s a song of growth. Of knowing that she’s not the roles that she’s playing. She’s naming the exterior things that people might see her as. She’s listing her shortcomings and saying “that wasn’t me.” Because that’s not who we really are. Who we really are is the woman who strives to be a blessing. Who lends a hand to pick someone up on their feet. The woman who loves her family. The woman that’s willing to tell the truth.

Do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet?
When you fall I will get you on your feet.
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that’s what you see, that will be me.

8. Human After All ~ Michael Logen

Human After All (feat. Sierra Noble) - Human After All (feat. Sierra Noble) - Single

This song just brings me back to what’s important. We have a short time to be here on this planet. We all get caught up in the trappings of everyday life - but we all have an expiration date. We think we’re going to live forever. Or that we can just do ‘that thing’ later. Don’t do it later. Live your life now.

If I’d known that it would end
I would have paid a little more attention
We are only human after all.

9. Don’t Lose Your Mind ~ Lukas Nelson and The Promise of The Real

Don’t Lose Your Mind - Promise of the Real

I swear this guy does thought work. Lukas is Willie Nelson’s son - I got the privilege of seeing him in a tiny venue with his dad. Lukas came out at sang this song to start his set. I’ve never heard a song written so inline with the work that we do on a daily basis.

Don’t lose your mind
Don’t let your thoughts control you
Because they’re not real

10. Hey Hey Hey ~ Michael Franti

Hey Hey Hey - The Sound of Sunshine (Deluxe Edition)

Michael Franti is my usual go-to for any kind of pick-me-up music. His songs are incredibly soulful. He teaches through his music. He’s a world- wide advocate for peace.

Reminding me that everything is possible
Reminding me that nothing is impossible
You gotta live for the one that you love you know
You gotta love for the life that you live you know
Don’t let nobody ever tell you that it couldn’t be done
Don’t let nobody ever tell you that we couldn’t be one
Don’t let nobody ever tell you that it shouldn’t be sung
Don’t let nobody ever tell you you’re the only one

11. Good Life ~ OneRepublic

Good Life - Waking Up (Deluxe Version)

This song encapsulates how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s just amazing to find myself right here right now. I am so grateful for my life. For my family. For my career. For the Rowdies.

When you’re happy like a fool, let it take you over
When everything is out you gotta take it in
This has gotta be the good life.

12. It’s My Life ~ Bon Jovi

It's My Life - Bon Jovi Greatest Hits - The Ultimate Collection

Ok. Now I realize that this song doesn’t exactly fit with the feel of the rest of this playlist. But let’s be honest - Bon Jovi just makes any playlist better. Turn it up. Put your hands in the air. And Rock. Rowdy-style!

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life! 

On Seeing Angels - and other Woo-Woo Bullshit

The self-help field seems to be a magnet for weirdos. 
Seriously. And I’m not talking about the clients.

I’m talking about the teachers.

There are teachers who talk to animals.
To tea leaves.
To dreams, clouds.
Stars.

I’ve always been more from the practical side of the self-help genre.
Maybe it’s because of my degree in science.
Or my early disillusionment with organized religion.

I tend to have an irreverent take on the woo-woo bullshit. (That said - I majorly contradict myself with my open and loyal love of a woman who channels alien entities known under a collective name of Abraham. But that’s a different story.)

Years ago, one of my early teachers was on stage speaking about the angels that were on stage near her. Relaying their message to the crowd. 

My heart sank. Give me a break. Is it that hard to come up with material? Is it that difficult to stand behind your own teachings? Why blame it on the angels? 

I leaned over to my friend and whispered with a snarky eye-roll, “If I ever say that I see an angel. It’s because I really see a fuckin’ angel. So either lock me up - or frickin listen to that angel has to say.”

Which brings me to today.
I saw a fuckin’ angel.

Not only did a see one.
I talked to him.
And he gave me a gift.

Let me back up a bit.

I’ve been working intently on some new tools for my December classes. Typically, I design my classes ahead of time, implement the tools into my own life. Then, tweak and fine-tune them as needed before I teach them to the Rowdies. December’s theme is Grace vs. Force (Click here to see December's class line-up). It’s about creating more results with less effort. And tomorrow’s class applies these tools to money and earning. Specifically how to earn more with less effort.

This morning, I took the tools with me on my run. Mulling them over in my head. Poking holes anywhere I could find them. The latest Rowdy Playlist blasting in my ears.

My legs were sore this morning right from the start. Stiff. I was working through the tools in my mind and applying them to my sore muscles. Watching my mind want to stop running and walk instead. Watching my mind question whether I should be running in the first place. Is this Grace? Is this Force? 

Up ahead, I see a very old man walking toward me on the sidewalk. (A common site outside the local assisted living complex. Not your typical indication-of-an-angel-sighting.) 

Getting closer, I could see his eyes get really big. Eyebrows raised. As I ran past him he started to beat his chest with his right arm. Desperately. Eyes even bigger. His mouth was moving. Saying something. 

Shit. 
He’s having a heart attack.

I tear my earphones out of my ear and freeze. Heart beating from my run and from the fear that something bad is happening to him. And that I am supposed to help him. Feeling completely ill-equipped and amazed that this would be happening.

To him. 
With me.
Right now. 

I hear the last part of his sentence.

“Too.”

“What?!” I say. Trying to convey how completely deaf I was due to the earphones - pointing to them dangling. 

“I’m a runner, too.” Fist beating his heart. And I see the round patch beneath his fist. Yellow and black. Looks like it’s been hand-sewn onto the chest of many-a-jacket. 

Boston Marathon Finalist. 1979. 

“This was way before you were born, though. I used to be really fast. Then not so fast. But I did 13 marathons after I was 58. Loved to run.” 

The impact of his words. “I’m a runner, too.” He thinks I’m a runner. It felt like a guilty punch in the gut. Something that I couldn’t take credit for. 

“Oh gosh. I’m not a runner. I’m just picking it back up.” 

“Yes you are. I saw you running. You were smiling. You’re a runner. How old are you?”

I told him. He very sweetly said he would have never guessed. He said he thought I was one of the college kids. (God bless him.)

“You should do a marathon sometime. 
Here. This is for you.”

He shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out a coin. Just like a grandpa would. Giving a kid a coin to go buy a lollipop.

“This is for luck. And to remind you to keep running.”

I wrapped my fingers around it and closed my eyes in gratitude.

“What’s your name?” I told him. 

“Well, that’s an interesting name. Never heard that one before.” 
“Get back to it. I’ll see you out there sometime.”

I said goodbye and clutched my gold coin. 

And I ran.

Grateful that I could.
Knowing that he was watching and happy for me.
Grateful that I can do this thing with my body right now. 
And not only that I *can* do it - but that I *am* doing it. 

Feeling the beautiful responsibility of going out and actually doing the things that I can do. 
Not only physically.
Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally. Financially.
With my career.
With my heart.
With my life.

And even though my muscles were still sore.
I could feel the Grace.
The lightness.
The sense of joy.
The careful idea of allowing myself to think I’m a runner.
Or anything else that I want to be.
And that it’s ok to want it. To be it. 

Grateful that I saw a fuckin’ angel.
And that he answered my questions.
And that he gave me a gift.