How to Be Extraordinary

I have a question that I'd love for you to answer.

Try not to read ahead quite yet.

I want you to articulate your own answer to this.

What makes a person extraordinary?

Pause. Don't read on. Answer the question first.

Really think about it. Think about the people who you think are amazing or extraordinary.

What is it that makes up that extraordinary-ness?

What is your definition of a truly amazing human being? 

I posted this question in Rowdyville (read their answers below) - and have been contemplating my own answer all week.

And what I found was there is actually a very simple 2-step concept that sets apart Mother Teresa. Martin Luther King. Oprah. Or any other amazing person that you know.

1. They know who they are.

2. They live the life they truly want to live.

I am shocked at how utterly simple and crazy-difficult it is to be an amazing human being. 

Step Number One is a doozy of a step. I tried to avoid this step for years. I knew(ish) who everyone around me was ... and I thought that just might be enough.

It's not.

Step Number One is intensely spiritual, soul-wrenching, life-opening work. 

You can't rush it.

You don't really arrive at it. There are no "Know Yourself" flash cards or study guides. And you can't cheat off of someone else's test. 

But at some point in your life you will be given the opportunity to find out who you truly are.

If you want to be an amazing human being - you must take this class.

Again and again.

Until you know all the answers by heart.

Maybe it's just me, but there's something about getting a divorce, losing all your money and sitting in a little room alone for months-on-end that kinda bangs this lesson into your head. (Maybe your road was easier than this - but you're probably not an ultra-stubborn-red-head. Lucky you.)

So when you figure yourself out and finally know who the hell you are... awesome things start happening, right?

Not.

No angels come down to sing to you.

No waters part from the sea.

No double rainbows all the way.

Nope, now it's time to do the real work.

The work of going out and truly living the life you want to be living.

The work of your life.

And this doesn't mean "do whatever you want" in a reckless, passive or stupid way. It doesn't mean start boozin', sexin', druggin', spending money, living-like-a-rock-star-with-a-death-wish.

It means to deliberately go out and do the thing that you want to do. 

That thing that you know you need to do.

It means to go take those pictures in Morocco. Or learn to sail.

It means to start that nonprofit.

Or to have that baby.

Or get that divorce.

It means to quit that job. And start to really tell the truth.

It means to do those things. Those things that seem so "un-amazing" that they almost seem scary. Or boring. Or risky.

Over and over again this week, I recognized areas of my life that I'm not *quite* living the life I truly want to live. Maybe I go to yoga a little less often than I want. Or drink a little too much on Friday night. Maybe I lose my cool and shout at someone I love. (Sorry.) Or get lost in my to-do list.

Step Number Two is a work in progress for me. But this idea has been an insightful tool. It a compass pointing true north. And it guides me toward my most-amazing-self-ness.

There are a lot of ordinary people out there.

There are people who refuse to learn themselves.

There are people who are afraid to live the life they want to live. (If you call that living.)

And there are too many people who will die without having made the brave step toward their own amazing-ness.

I know that you're not one of these people.

Get to know who you are.

And then do the fucking work to live that life.

It's time.

---

What makes a person extraordinary?

I posted this question in Rowdyville and here's what they had to say: 

She realizes she has a choice to stand out. She who knows that every single day she is making choices in her life that defines who she is.  

She makes hard choices, even when she knows others won't agree.

She chooses to love, above all else, even when it's hard.

She chooses to be real, rather than to pretend.

She chooses to believe that she deserves an amazing life. 

She has an unbounded love of life and people. 

She tells the truth about who she is and what she wants.

She commits to something she values as her life work.

She keeps trying even when she gets it wrong (and she's willing to be wrong).

She takes very good care of the life she's been given.

She uses up all her space.  She doesn't see limits, only possibilities.

She is in love with the process of life. 

She totally accepts herself and accepts others the same way. 

She leads with love and only sees love in others.

She loves her light and her darkness

She knows she is creating her own life and strives to create the best.

She is Rowdy. 

She allows her specific traits to shine especially brightly. 

She allows herself to be refined by the consistency of her choices, neither fighting, engaging or avoiding the consequences. 

Big-heartedness. Eyes wide open. Curious mind. The ability to take things lightly. The courage to fail. And succeed. Consistent connection to self/essence/soul. A sense of humour. Kindness. A ruthless honesty. An ability to agree with reality. And then change it.

She embraces the ordinary in this life with such complete love and compassion that she transforms her ordinary life into an extraordinary life.

Love and compassion are like breathing to her. Forgiveness too. Forgiveness toward herself. 

Dropping Busy

Many of us become obsessed with 'doing' because we believe this defines who we are.

We 'do' all these things to try to prove that we aren't replaceable.

That we matter.

That we are important.

And not invisible.

But all this doing is clouding the real essence of who we are. We're actually losing ourselves in all the busy-ness - which ends up making us feel even more replaceable, more invisible.

We are not what we do.

We are not the things we get done.

The to-do list that we work through isn't why we're here.

We're trying to play the role of 'busy-good-doer' and it's failing us - because it's a role.

It's not who we are.

If we stopped doing.

All.

Those.

Things.

We'd be forced to just be who we are. We'd be forced to take a look at the woman beneath all the busy-ness. To come to terms with her.

And realize, that it's time to introduce her to the world.

Gotta Love The Thing You Hate

You can’t hate your bank account into being rich. You can’t criticize your body into being thin. You can’t resent your career into success. And you can’t bitch your relationship into true everlasting love.

But people try to do this every day. People like you. People like me.

We focus on things we don’t like. And we think that this focus is what facilitates change. As if hating something enough will make it disappear.

This hate, resent, criticizing and bitching that we practice creates a tremendous amount of un-needed suffering for us. It makes our lives more complicated. It creates an incredible emotional burden. And it has zero payoff. This strategy is a guaranteed fail. 

If we want to create lasting change. We have to learn to love. In fact we have to learn to love the very thing that we want to change.

We must learn to love the bank account - even if there are only twenty-nine pennies in it. We have to focus on what is right rather than what is wrong. We have to choose to see what we have as ‘enough’ rather than focusing on the fantasy amount that doesn’t exist.

We must learn to love the body even with the extra l-b’s on it. We have to practice appreciating the vehicle that travels us through our lives. Flaws and all. Only through love and acceptance will we be able to truly care for the body that we want to sculpt. The vehicle we want to enhance.

Sometimes we are afraid of allowing ourselves to love the imperfect. As if this means that we are lowering our standards. Or that we are terminally giving up hope.

It’s the exact opposite.

If we want true wealth. We have to learn to truly love wealth. Even when that wealth is simply one dollar. We must learn to love it. Respect it. Focus on what we have. Focus on what we’ve created. Focus on the ability to change rather than on the phantoms of the life that we ‘think’ we’re supposed to be living.

If we want fitness - we have to learn to love our body. All of it. We can’t reject the parts we don’t like. We must learn to love, respect and care-take our entire body. We have to inhabit our body as a full-time resident. Become the CEO and caretaker of the organization instead of ignoring it.

You can have a better life. A better relationship. More money. A better body.

You truly can create anything that you put your mind to. 

But to truly change - you must learn to love where you are. Right now. 

The point of change.

All of your power.

And your entire future resides in this moment.

No One Is Going to Save You

Let’s get this straight.

I have never been a docile, passive or victim-y person. I have never appeared to be the damsel-in-distress-type. I’ve always had my snappy comebacks.  My audaciously loud laugh. My sassy independence.

Yet for most of my adult life, concealed behind the tough exterior, was a woman (girl) secretly waiting to be saved.

I believed that if I just had the right guy. Or the right job. Or the right body. Or the right family.

Or maybe if I lived in the right place. Or fell into enough money.

That everything would be ok. That I would finally be safe.

Lovable.

That I would feel at home. That I would belong.

I didn’t want to admit this. Not to myself. Not to those around me. I’ve always considered myself independent. A go-getter. A leader.

I hid the truth. I was scared. Lonely. And wanting to latch onto anything or anybody that could save me. 

The more I wanted to be saved the more I drowned.  Choking on my insecurity. My fear. My shame.

I clung to people that seemed strong enough for both of us. 

I gave up my pieces of my life. My voice.  Believing that loyalty and loss-of-self were the price I would have to pay for safety. For love.

Absolutely devastated to learn that my self-appointed-saviors had no intention of saving me. 

Not understanding that even if they wanted to. They couldn’t have.

I found myself in the middle of a life that I had single-handedly created.

I had gotten myself deeply into debt. A newly divorced mom of a little girl who desperately needed me to be strong. For her. For us. My career was in crisis. My identity had been uprooted. I didn’t know who to be. Who I was. What I believed in. Or who I wanted to become.

I was drowning. 

And no amount of money. No man. No friend. No family could save me from myself. From my own insecurities. From my own self-inflicted limitations.

I needed to learn how to swim that sea on my own.

 All this thrashing around waiting, wishing and hoping for help was getting me nowhere. No one was coming to save me. And then it clicked. 

I could save myself. And I did. And I continue to.

Since then, I’ve learned that there is no greater safety than being willing to lose everything. Again and again. 

I’ve learned that the thing we usually run from is the thing we need to walk directly into. Whether it is confrontation, failure or fear. Running from things only makes them worse.

I’ve learned that there is no greater expression of love than being willing to have our hearts broken. To be willing to share ourselves. Wide open. Is the greatest gift that life has to offer.

I’ve learned that everything is truly ok. Even when it seems like it’s not. And we must trust that given enough time everything makes sense in the end.

I’ve learned that we don’t need to find a home. We carry home with us. 

Instead of waiting to belong to someone. We can spend our lives belong-ing ourselves to others.

I’ve learned that we all have moments where we wish and hope that someone can swoop in and save us. 

We all have things that seem like too much to bear. Too much to change. Too much to carry on our own.

But if we lean on someone else - or wait for someone else to save us - we end up weakening ourselves. We become more susceptible to injury. We lose sight of our own power.

Don’t forget that you already know how to swim.

And you’re the only one who can get you where you really want to go.

Let go.

Trust yourself.

You are so much stronger than you think.

How to Stop Being a Loser

I don’t care if we’re talking about business, money, marriage or bodies. Look at every single person that is at the top of their game and you will see someone who has put in the hard work.

Too many of us avoid hard work because of the story we have about it. We tell ourselves that it’s too painful. It takes too much time. It won’t make a difference anyway. We think that by just showing up and passively going through the motions - that we’ll somehow arrive at success.

Go to my gym and look at the line-up of women on the cardio machines. On any given morning you’ll see Slumpie. She’s the woman bent over the magazine. Holding the sidebars to keep any discomfort at bay. Hunched over - not a bead of sweat. She passively spends an hour of her life. Daily.  And has been doing this for months. 

She clocks into the gym and waits for it to change her.  As if her success depends on what the gym can do rather than what she requires from herself.

Look further down the row and you’ll see another girl busting her ass. She’s out of breath and pushing her limits. She won’t notice you. She’s not concerned with what you think. She’s there to work. And she knows that the gym can’t do it for her. 

She stands out. Because, ironically, she’s the exception.

Too many people live their lives like Slumpie-On-The-Treadmill. 

They start businesses and passively go through the motions. Pretending that the hours spent will magically convert to cash in hand. Wondering when they will start turning a profit.

They clock into jobs and submissively wait to be noticed while their peers pass them up.

They take classes waiting to be spoon fed by their teachers. 

They half-ass their relationships with their husbands, their friends, their families. Too scared to take the risk to show up fully.

They wait for people to tell them what to do. Slowly and carefully they hold themselves back with fear.

They live life in the safety of mediocrity.

The real tragedy is the number of years, days and hours that The-Slumpies-of-the-World have wasted. Minutes that aren’t getting them any closer to their goals. Prime chunks of their lives exchanged for nothing.

But not us.

We know better. 

We know that if we want it, we’re going to have to work for it.

We know that nothing worth having comes passively.

We know that we create the results we want.

We know that success is reserved for a very limited few of us.

And not because we are special.

Or lucky.

Or different.

It’s reserved for us because we are the first to start. And the last to leave.

We are the ones working circles around everyone else.

We are the ones raising our hands in class. Asking questions. Willing to look like the fool.

We are the ones that have the courage to be vulnerable.  To open our hearts. To speak the truth. 

We are the ones that get it done instead of waiting to be told what to do. We move forward. We value learning.

We live our lives willing to take risks.

We know the value of hard work.

We know that our time is our most valuable asset. We expect an unreasonably high return on our investment.

And then we go get it.