Hunting for Homeless

I am not a patient person.

When I find out that there's something I need to know - I want to know everything about it. Immediately.

When there's something that I want to learn. I watch three documentaries, listen to two NPR broadcasts, read about about 10 blogger's opinions, two books and talk for hours with my students, clients, friends and colleagues about it. (I'm not making this up. This is what I've been doing for the past 6 days.)

When there's something that someone else needs to know... well that's when my impatience becomes exponential. Especially when we're talking about my daughter.

Last week's peek into my daughter's mind and her opinion of our financial status has kicked me into turbo mode wanting to teach her everything an 8 1/2 year-old doesn't really need to know about money.

I've had some fantastic conversations with fellow moms-in-training trying to answer this question:

How do we teach our kids the value of money without teaching scarcity?

And what I've found is that this topic is way trickier than we might think.

Because we not only need to teach it.

We also have to live it.

Last Sunday, Isabelle and I made enchiladas for dinner.  It was raining outside and we were looking for a fun project and decided to cook dinner. (I realize that for most of you - cooking dinner is maybe an everyday occurrence - but in my world - it falls into extremely special circumstances. Rare enough to be called a project rather than everyday life.)

We pulled the enchiladas out of the oven. I asked Isabelle to set the table.

And she said,  "OK - but when are we going to feed the homeless?"

I look at our project.

It looks yummy.

I'm hungry.

It's raining.

And my daughter now wants to feed the homeless. 

I would love to tell you that I am an extremely pious person who is ready and willing at any given moment to cook for the needy and to distribute readily. I would love to tell you that it was my idea to give my daughter a valuable life-lesson. I would love to tell you that upon hearing this, I said, "Yes, daughter. It is my wish to feed the homeless people. Right now. In the rain."

But, you might know by now.

I'm not that person.

Instead (oooo, I hate admitting this), my mind thinks of reasons why we shouldn't. Can't. Don't-wanna-get-wet. It's cold. That's a lot of work. (Devil on my left shoulder: the last 3 eposides of Weeds Season 6 sitting by my TV. Angel on my shoulder: sweet little girl wanting to feed the homeless.) 

The devil and angel fought for about 22 seconds, and the angel won.

So, we pack up some enchiladas with utensils and napkins. On a mission to find someone to feed.

To be clear. This process wasn't as easy as my angel had told me it would be. It was raining. There weren't many people on the streets. And apparently, even homeless people seem to take Sundays off. 

I'm driving the streets hunting for homeless... and getting ever-so-slightly annoyed that we can't find anyone. 

Can you say...Irony?

We finally found two men outside of Barnes and Noble. 

Isabelle asked if they were hungry.

They said yes.

We gave them enchiladas.

What they gave me:

The stuff life is made of.

Human beings connecting with each other. Handing food to one another.

They look at Isabelle and said, "Bless you. Bless you little girl."

In that moment, I could not have been more proud to be her mother.

Here I am, trying to teach my daughter qualities like generosity, abundance, trust and love.

And what I have found.

She's a better teacher than I am.

If you're interested in listening to a conversation about Kids and Money. Please click here. 

Talking to Kids About Money

I am driving my daughter to her friends house for a sleepover. We are making small talk. I'm still in denial that she's growing up and my almost-nine-year-old wants to spend the night away from home. It was just two minutes ago that she needed Mommy for everything. She's growing up faster than I am.

She says, "I can't wait to see Lilly's house."

"Why?" I ask.

"Because I want to see if she lives in a fancy house or if she is poor." 

At this point, I'm a little woried, but I have to ask anyway. "Do we live in a fancy house?"

She looks at me as if I just asked her if I was a purple unicorn. Like, I'm asking her a trick question because the answer is so obvious.

"No, mom. We're poor."

Ok. Ouch. That was below the belt. Regaining my focus, I ask, "What's the difference between a fancy house and a poor house?"

She thinks for a second. "Fancy houses are big and have stairs on the inside."

We arrive at Lilly's house. Which, for the record, is a very cute two bedroom house (believe me, I took a the tour and counted square footage as soon as I arrived.) with STAIRS going up to the living room.

Isabelle will be excited about spending the night in such a fancy house.

As I drive back to my poor house, I can't stop thinking about this. My daughter thinks we are poor. That is just mind blowing to me.

It got me thinking about what poor really means. And more importantly, it got me thinking about a really big lesson that I want her to learn. One that I didn't learn until I was 35.

She said "fancy" as the opposite of poor. I know my daughter (or at least I thought I did until this conversation) and I have a pretty good idea of what "fancy" means to her.

Fancy means sparkly, ornamental, decorative, frilly, lacey, and impressive. Embellished with rainbows and hearts even. Or bling and glitter. The opposite of minimalistic. In other words, my daughter equates wealth with a lot of stuff in a big house and some stairs to go with.

She doesn't know that fancy is not wealth.

She doesn't know that fancy can be a sign of wealth. But, fancy can also be a lie.

She doesn't know that fancy can mean very very poor as well.

I think about all the vacant McMansions with their overgrown landscaping. Dandelions growing through the cracks of their sidewalks. Old copies of YellowPages bleached from the sun on the forgotten driveway. That's a fancy house. Those were fancy people.

I used to be a fancy person.

She doesn't remember me like that.

I need to talk to my daughter about money. I need to talk to her about what money means. What fancy really means. What wealth means. What cash means.

I need to talk to her about earning and spending. About saving. About respecting.

This has prompted me to create a guide to Money Love for parents and their kids. It's a guide to help us have conversations with our kids. I'm creating because I need it.

We all do. 

We need to talk to our daughters and to our sons about money. We need to talk to them about what money means, to us. We need to teach them what wealth means. What cash means. What debt means. 

This conversation is important.

To me. To you. To our families.

If you're interested in listening to a conversation about Kids and Money - Please click here.

Why You Shouldn't Listen to Me

I am not a financial advisor. I am not an accountant. I’m not even a bookkeeper. 

I’ve never worked on Wall Street. Or in a bank.  

I didn’t go to a fancy school. I got my degree in plain-ol’ Physics and Math from a tiny school in North Lake Tahoe. I never once took a class in finance.  

I don’t wear a suit or high heels to work. In fact, most of the time I work in yoga clothes with no shoes on. 

I don’t have a diverse financial portfolio. But, I used to have a quite a diverse credit card portfolio. One in every color.

I have made way more mistakes with money than you ever have.

I lived beyond my means for all of my twenties and most of my thirties.

I bought my last two houses at the highest point of the California market. And then waited until the very worst moment in recent real estate history to get a divorce and split assets (and when I say assets... I mean debt).

In 2008, I was 35 years old and over a half-million dollars in debt. Now it is 2011, and I have paid off all but $25,000.

I know what it feels like to stress about money. I’ve spent most of my life with that terrible feeling in my stomach. I know what money stress does to a person, to a business, to a marriage, to a family. 

I know what it’s like to not sleep at night. 

I know the guilt and anxiety that comes from over-spending. I know how awful it feels to be out of control.

I know what it’s like to think something is wrong with you. To wish you could fix whatever is broken.

I know the fear of not knowing where the next dollar is going to come from. Or how the bills are going to get paid. 

I know what it’s like to be scared of being found out. To be scared of people knowing that I was a fake. A fraud. To frantically try to keep the facade going. And to try to be better than I was.

I know what it’s like to be exhausted. And to want to give up.

Hoping to be saved.

And...

I also know what it’s like to have survived this. To save myself.

I know what it’s like to be strong. Courageous.

I know what it’s like to take responsibility for my life. For my finances.

I know what it’s like to start from scratch. Again.

And win.

I know what it’s like to love myself. To forgive myself. To understand myself. To have compassion for my past choices.

I know what it’s like to help people like me and like you out of financial hell. 

If we could sit down together, you could look into my eyes. And, if you looked closely enough, you would see that I have felt your same pain. 

And, because of this. You are my friend.

And because you’re my friend, I have decided to write a blog for you. 

And if this blog saves you from even one moment of unnecessary suffering. Then I have done my job. 

But, please don’t listen to me. 

I didn’t write this blog with that intention.

I wrote it for you to listen to yourself.

Take what’s right for you. 

And leave the rest.

Three Types of Earning

I am so fortunate and incredibly smart (if I may say so myself) to have chosen a career that I like.

Actually, I don’t just like it. I friggin’ love it.

I love opening up my MacBook and checking my email.  I love a full inbox. I love my clients. I love writing my blog. I love the students I train. I love answering emails. I love reading new material. I love creating classes. I love working on my website.  I love invoicing my clients. I love “Notification of Payment Received.”  Best. Subject line. Ever. 

To tell you the truth, I would do this job whether or not I was paid, because I love the work itself, but shhh… don’t tell my clients that.

I love to kick ideas around with my colleagues. I love the challenge of a difficult thought.   I love working from home in my yoga clothes. I love that I don’t have to be pretty, have my hair brushed, or even have shoes on to make money.

I’m pretty sure I’ve made my point. But, for clarity, let’s just say: I love my job.

After reading my little rampage, I’m guessing that you’re either happy for me or entirely nauseated by me.

Either way, I want this love-fest for you, too.

Because if you don’t friggin’ love the way money comes to you, you’re never going to reach your full earning potential.

How we feel when we earn our money has an enormous impact on our financial results.

We probably have 50,000 thoughts (I really don’t know – I just made that number up) about the way we earn our money. What we think about our work, our job, our paycheck, the hours we keep, our bosses, our clients, our commute, our industry, has a giant effect on how and what we earn.

Our specific thoughts create feelings. The way we feel determines the type of action we take.  When we feel neutral we take actions and create neutral results. When we feel scarce, we create scarce results. When we feel abundant we create abundant results.

To classify our earning, we use the Three Types of Earning. This tool helps us determine why we earn what we earn. It helps takes the mystery out of our income. It helps us figure out why we ended up here in the first place.

Determining the Type of Earning strengthens your relationship with yourself and with your money. It’s a tool that gives you an access point for cleaning up stressful and painful thoughts… even ones you never knew you had. It helps build self-awareness as well as financial awareness.

The Three Types of Earning are Abundant Earning, Neutral Earning, and Scarcity Earning. Each type of earning leads to drastically different results.

Abundant Earning: This is money earned from the abundant zone on the Abundance Scale (+2 to +10). Thoughts about this earn are abundant, generous, plentiful and positively charged. You feel good about the amount earned, feel good emotionally, and feel good about the way you earned this money. It is an action that is taken from abundant and positive feelings and thoughts.

Neutral Earning: This is money earned from the neutral zone on the Abundance Scale (-1 to +1). Thoughts about this earn are neutral or peaceful, and without emotional charge. You feel neutral about the amount earned, feel neutral emotionally, and feel neutral about the way you earned this money. It is an action that is taken from neutral feelings and thoughts.

Scarcity Earning: This is money earned from the scarcity zone on the Abundance Scale (-2 to -10). Thoughts about this earn are scarce, resistant and negatively charged.  You feel bad about the amount earned, feel bad emotionally, and/or feel bad about the way you earned this money. It is an action that is taken from a scarce and negative feelings and thoughts.

The Type of Earning is not amount or job dependent. Many of my clients confuse this in the beginning. They think that the higher the dollars, the more abundant the earn. They think that the lower the dollars, the more scarce the earn.  But, any time money is exchanged, it has the capacity to be any one of the Three Types of Earning.  The Earn is determined by your score on the Abundance Scale (thoughts and feelings).

For example, let’s look at how my income can be each of the three different Types of Earning.

Scenario #1: I can’t think of a current example, so I’m going to go back to college days when I worked at a cheap hotel. I worked the night shift – the worst hours for a 21-year-old’s social life. My uniform was a nasty-polyester-flight-attendant-thing with a burgundy bow-tie. Boring doesn’t even come close to describing this mind numbing work. I would stand (we weren’t allowed to sit) and stare at the elevators for eight hours straight and stress about how much homework I had waiting for me at home (of course I wasn’t allowed to do it at work even though there were stretches of hours without seeing another human being). I had a certifiably crazy boss who was convinced that I was the daughter that she had put up for adoption when she was 15. (Even though I told her that I’m pretty sure I’m my parents’ biological child. She never quite believed me.) I wish I was making this up. My paycheck was never enough to offset how much I hated this job. I hated the work, hated what I was paid, and felt totally stuck. This is Scarcity Earning.

Scenario #2: Every month I receive statements from my financial advisor. They are full of charts, graphs, and details about each retirement fund that I’ve invested in. I look through the pages and I see that some of the graphs went up. I’m not emotionally invested in this money. At least not yet. It’s kind of interesting to look at, but at this point in my life, the gain doesn’t have a lot of meaning to me. I have a neutral story about this earning. I don’t feel emotionally charged about it. This is Neutral Earning.

Scenario #3: Amber is a super-fun client. She’s funny, smart, and keeps me on my toes. She’s sarcastic and quick and challenges me at every turn. I love working with her. She puts a lot of thought into her homework and asks great questions. When I see a response from her in my inbox, I’m always excited to read it. When I invoice her, she pays me immediately and with ease. I feel lucky to have her as a client. I am proud of the services I offer her. I am proud to be her coach and know that I am well worth the price she is paying. My thoughts and feelings about my work with Amber are abundant, positive and grateful. This is Abundant Earning.

Four Types of Spending

 

I really never used to give much thought to my spending. In my mind, it was a means to an end. I liked paying for some stuff and hated paying for other stuff. I liked shopping and buying stuff. Especially stuff from Macy’s, Nordstrom and Target. And, I hated paying for things like car repairs, taxes, and my retirement. But, I never really broke down how I felt about the actual spending of the money. The verb. The exchanging. 

Instead, I focused on trying to make more money and tried not to focus on the spending. To be honest, thinking about my spending would just send me into a tailspin of feeling stupid, dishonest, entitled, childish and guilty. So, I did my best to avoid that subject.

Now, I give careful consideration to each money exchange and I help my clients do the same thing. We pay attention to how and why we spend our money. We recognize what type of spending that we’re engaging in. We know where we are on the Abundance Scale. We recognize our patterns and deliberately keep our focus on the result that we are trying to relate.

We all spend money. We pay our bills. We pay the parking meter. We buy things. We go to the grocery store. We put gas in our car.

It’s very rare to find a day that we don’t spend money.

Each time money leaves our hands, or our debit cards, or our credit cards, or our bank accounts – we have an opportunity to learn about our relationship with money.

How we feel when we spend our money has an enormous impact on our financial results.

Our thoughts create feelings. From these feelings we take action. When we’re talking about money, the actions that we take are spending and earning. These are the things we DO when we FEEL a certain way. The way we feel determines the type of action we take.  When we feel neutral we take actions and create results specific to those actions. When we feel scarce, we take different actions and create a different result.

The tool I use for this is the Four Types of Spending. It’s a tool to help you determine why you spend what you spend. It helps takes the mystery out of your current finances. It helps you figure out why you ended up here in the first place.

Determining the Type of Spend strengthens your relationship with yourself and with your money. It’s a tool that gives you an access point for cleaning up stressful and painful thoughts… even ones you never knew you had. It helps build self-awareness as well as financial awareness.

The Four Types of Spending are Abundant Spending, Neutral Spending, Scarcity Spending, and Avoidance Spending. Each type of spending leads to drastically different results.

Abundant Spending: This is money spent from the abundant zone on the Abundance Scale (+2 to +10). Thoughts about this spend are abundant, generous, and positively charged. You feel good about the price, feel good emotionally, and feel good about the item that you are paying for. It is an action that is taken from abundant and positive feelings and thoughts. 

Neutral Spending: This is money spent from the neutral zone on the Abundance Scale (-1 to +1). Thoughts about this spend are neutral and not emotionally charged. You feel neutral about the price, feel neutral emotionally, and feel neutral about the item that you are paying for. It is an action that is taken from neutral feelings and thoughts.

Scarcity Spending: This is money spent from the scarce zone on the Abundance Scale (-2 to -10). Thoughts about this spend are scarce, resistant and negatively charged.  You feel bad about the price, feel bad emotionally, and/or feel bad about the item that you’re paying for. It is an action that is taken from a scarce and negative feelings and thoughts.

Avoidance Spending: This is money spent unconsciously in order to not experience scarce/negative feelings and thoughts. Avoidance Spending is money spent in the scarcity zone on the Abundance Scale, even though you do not recognize the feeling at the time. This is an action taken to NOT FEEL something. To numb a feeling. This is an action usually taken to distract yourself from the truth. To distract you from what you’re really feeling. It is typically money spent in order to avoid feeling broke, stuck, bored, lonely, punished, left out.  Avoidance Spending can also be money that you are unconsciously spending because you aren’t dealing with your finances (extras like un-used gym memberships, extra cell phone minutes, unused automatic payments, overdraft fees, etc.)

The Type of Spend is not price or item dependent. Many of my clients confuse this in the beginning. They think that inexpensive items are Abundant or Neutral Spends. They think expensive items are Scarce Spends.  But, any time money is exchanged, it has the capacity to be any one of the Four Types of Spending.  The Spend is determined by your score on the Abundance Scale (thoughts and feelings). 

For example, let’s look at how a cup of coffee can be all four different Types of Spending.

Coffee Scenario #1: I am in a very good mood. I have plenty of time. I go to my favorite coffee shop, Kreuzberg, CA. Kreuzberg is a perfect place to hang out and get some work done.  It’s owned by one of my best friends, James, here in town. I walk in and I’m happily surprised to see Tina and Zeke sitting at a table and talking. I join them.  James brings me over the most perfect cappuccino (seriously… Verve… trust … try it) and sits down to join us. We all get caught up on the latest shenanigans and share our latest woes.

These are my people and I love them. I drop a few bucks in the barista’s jar before I leave (because there’s no way James will take my money). I feel great about my life, my time, my friends. I’m in a place of abundance – not just abundance of money but abundance of support, friendship, and care.  I feel overwhelmingly grateful. Those dollars in the tip jar are an Abundant Spend.

Coffee Scenario #2: I am on my way out of town and I want to grab a cup of coffee for the road. Right around the corner from my house is a tiny market that the neighborhood affectionately calls “The Pantry.”  I stop by the pantry and grab a cup of joe. Not giving a lot of thought to the coffee or the price. I glance at the headlines on the newspaper by the cash register. Pay my two bucks and then hop in my car and head onto the highway. I’m feeling peaceful. This cup of coffee is a Neutral Spend.

Coffee Scenario #3: I have about 15 minutes before my next client and I’m exhausted. Maybe a cup of coffee will help. Ack! I’m out of coffee. There’s a Starbucks (sorry James) a few blocks from my house over closer to the college and I decide to drive over there to get a coffee.  There’s a line to the door of college students. Every single one of them is going to be ordering a stupid frappucino. It’s going to take forever to even be able to order my friggin coffee. I’m angry at the line. I’m frustrated by dumb college students who don’t know what to order. I’m mad at myself for running out of coffee in the first place. By the time I get to the front of the line – I have exactly one minute before I have to be on a call with my next client.  I pay my two bucks and give the barista evil eyes to try to make him hurry.  I’m feeling impatient and frustrated. Even though my thoughts and feelings are not specifically about the money, this is a Scarcity Spend. 

Coffee Scenario #4: I wake up with a pit in my stomach. My little girl is going on vacation with her dad for an entire week. This is the first time that she’s been gone this long. I’m going to be dropping her off at school in an hour and will need to say goodbye there. I hate this. I decide to take her to the donut shop to celebrate our last morning together. I get coffee and she gets a donut and milk. We spend our last 15 minutes together talking about her upcoming trip. I drop her off at school and get back into my car and cry for the first time all morning. I go to journal my Spend and notice that I want to say this Spend was “Abundant” because it was a celebration. But, the truth is that I was sad. I was sad and trying to avoid being sad. I lied to myself and called it a celebration. A celebration of what? Saying goodbye?! That’s nothing I like to celebrate. I tried to avoid my sadness by ‘celebrating’. This is an Avoidance Spend.