Have you ever felt like you're walking on eggshells around someone who seems perfectly nice, but leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or just downright guilty? In this post, we’re diving deep into the world of covert narcissism: what it is, how to spot it, and crucial steps for recovery. We'll also be exploring some famous characters in pop culture that might give you that aha moment.

What Is Covert Narcissism?

Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is a subtype of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, that is characterized by some of the same traits as traditional or overt narcissism, but manifests in more subtle and less obvious ways. Covert narcissists often hide their narcissistic traits behind a facade of humility, vulnerability, and introversion.

Withdrawn Self-Centeredness

Where overt narcissists display grandiosity, in a covert narcissist, you're going to see something called withdrawn self-centeredness. They think they're amazing. They think they're wonderful. They think that most people aren't able or smart enough or special enough to see how wonderful they are.

But in general, they know they're not able to convince the world to see them in the same way. So the covert narcissist draws toward a smaller audience. They either isolate themselves or have a very selective pool of people around them.

How the Covert Narcissist Manipulates

What you see is more of is this constant need for reassurance, pity, or attention. They are transactional, doing things to get their needs met, keeping score where they believe they've been wronged, and are entitled to privileges.

Emotional coldness, or a lack of empathy, is a common trait of narcissism. But what you'll see more with covert narcissists is a false empathy used as a tool to manipulate others. You'll see them be sad, depressed, and upset. They may even cry real tears, but it will always be out of self-pity rather than true sadness, compassion, or empathy.

Pop Culture References for Covert Narcissism

For me, sometimes the easiest way to learn things is to look at pop culture, especially when I'm trying to understand complex concepts like covert narcissism. Walter White from Breaking Bad, especially in the early seasons, is a really good one to look at. Walter starts off seemingly meek and forlorn, but slowly reveals this deeply narcissistic and manipulative side as this series progresses. While he may not be a true covert narcissist in the traditional sense, Some of the elements of his character fit the profile, such as his hidden grandiosity and his willingness to exploit others.

Mother Gothel from Tangled presents herself as this caring, protective mother figure, but her love is conditional and manipulative. She keeps Rapunzel isolated while feeding off of her powers to remain young. Mother Gothel undermines Rapunzel's self-esteem and makes her dependent. This is a classic sign of covert narcissism.

Norman Bates from Psycho, obviously a psychopath. Norman Bates appears timid and unassuming, but also has this deeply ingrained, manipulative, dark side. His subservient relationship to his mother and the way he manipulates circumstances to seem like the victim can be interpreted as signs of covert narcissism.

The Other Mother from Coraline. This character lures coralline into this seemingly perfect world offering what seems to be this better, more attentive version of her real mother. However, this is just a facade to control and eventually consume. The Other Mother's victimization of herself where she says, "I just wanna be a good mother," is a perfect example of covert narcissism.

Signs of Covert Narcissism: Selective Responsiveness

So let's walk through three unmistakable signs that you can spot in your daily interactions.

Sign number one is selective responsiveness. With a covert narcissist, you're going to see that they are extremely responsive when it serves their interests, but noticeably unresponsive when you're in need. This is a manipulative tactic designed to keep you off balance.

Signs of Covert Narcissism: Jekyll and Hyde Behavior

Sign number two: Jekyll and Hyde Behavior. In your relationship, you'll experience a confusing mix of warmth and coldness. This inconsistency keeps you emotionally invested and perpetually trying to decode their behavior.

Signs of Covert Narcissism: Financial or Emotional Dependence

And finally, sign number three. This was the biggie for me. Financial or emotional dependence. Covert narcissists will often make it seem like you are their lifeline for emotional or even financial stability. They will gaslight you until you believe if you don’t save them, their life will fall apart and you will be the one to blame.

Three Steps to Recover from Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Understanding covert narcissism is a big piece of the puzzle, but what comes next?

The first step is understanding the dynamic. It's crucial to gain a clear picture of covert narcissism and the manipulation tactics used. So arm yourself with knowledge, watch videos, read books, consult professionals, and talk to people you trust.

Step two is understanding boundaries. It's vital to establish and strengthen and refine your boundaries through honoring your emotions and by defining and protecting your sense of self.

Step three is to build self-worth, and that starts with understanding people pleasing.