Have you ever felt like you're being watched a little too closely in your conversations? As if every word you say is being analyzed and used against you? This eerie sense might not just be your imagination—it could be a clear signal that the narcissist knows you're on to them. If you find yourself suddenly in the spotlight, criticized, or aggressively questioned, you might be dealing with a narcissist who knows you’re onto them. After twenty years researching the deep connection between self-worth and narcissistic relationships–as a coach, author, and a survivor myself, I know how taxing this can be.
Once the narcissist knows you see through their facade, they quickly escalate, and if you don’t know what to look for and how to defend yourself, it could cost you your livelihood, your family, and your reputation. The tactics between a covert and grandiose narcissist can be vastly different.
So today, we’ll keep this simple and just focus on the grandiose narcissist. I’ll share the three main tactics to expect when they know you’re onto them, personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns, and actionable strategies to empower you in any conversation, making sure you're always one step ahead.
When the Narcissist Sees You Tactic #1: Aggressive Gaslighting
Have you ever walked into a room and felt the air change—suddenly, everyone goes silent, and you feel like you’re the bad guy without knowing why? This is what you can expect when a narcissist knows you're onto them: a drastic shift in their behavior aimed at you.
Initially, they might start with the silent treatment. This is just the setup. Once they get the chance, they move on to aggressive gaslighting. Frantic manipulation. Guilting you. Trying to monitor you and control you. Within their circle of influence, they start to paint you as the problem. They use bold lies and blatant denials to control the narrative, distorting facts and rewriting history. This is designed to undermine your confidence and turn others against you and to make you feel like you have to comply with the narcissist’s needs or risk complete exile. This shift is sudden and strategic. Their gaslighting is no longer subtle, it will be extreme, disorienting, with the intention of making you feel cutoff and isolated. They don’t just say, “That's not true.” They say, “You're making things up. Everyone knows you’re a liar.”
Think of this aggressive gaslighting as a test to see if you’re willing to be a good little minion and comply, or if you’re going to be a problem. They won’t come out and say it, but there’s a hidden message here that if you don’t behave—they have the power to turn people against you and to destroy your life as you know it.
When you're an empathetic person, you might miss this because you naturally want to try to make sense of things. You may make excuses for their behavior saying—they’re just stressed, or sick, or going through a divorce… instead of recognizing it as a deliberate manipulation tactic or threat.
So, it’s really important to stay alert and understand how quickly they go from seeing you as a usable source of narcissistic supply to seeing you as a lethal threat. Once the narcissist knows you know, they are waiting for any slip-up or vulnerability to exploit. And if there’s nothing they can use, they are more than willing to lie, gaslight, and manipulate to protect their power.
This happened at our wedding, and the first move the narcissist made was to aggressively gaslight. She blamed me–—saying I’d “ruined” the wedding (my wedding), that “everyone” was upset, and that I needed to apologize… to her. It was such a wild accusation and so blatantly out of left field, it was completely disorienting, like… you can’t actually be saying this. At that point, I hadn’t realized she was a narcissist—so I was still trying to make sense of her behavior. I just thought she was a very needy and controlling woman. And that was a big mistake. I wasn’t ready for her next move, how quickly things would escalate, or how aggressive she’d get. I’ll talk more about that in the second tactic.
Tools for Empowerment: Strategic Silence Technique
When you realize the narcissist knows you're onto them, the best defense is a good offense. This is where the Strategic Silence Technique comes into play. Understand that anything you say can and will be used against you—and this not only applies to the narcissist but to anyone within their sphere of influence. At this point, you do not have allies, and no one is safe—the narcissist will not tolerate any threat to their power.
First, resist the urge to explain or defend yourself. The more you say, the more currency they have to use against you. They will twist your words to maintain their control. Instead use strategic silence. When confronted, remain calm and composed. Use non-committal responses like, “I see,” or “That's your perspective.” This technique prevents the narcissist (or any of their minions) from gathering more ammunition against you. It also sends a clear message that you are not easily manipulated. Additionally, reinforce your boundaries firmly and assertively. Say something like, “I'm not going to discuss this further,” or “This conversation isn't productive.” Then, physically or emotionally remove yourself from the situation if necessary.
When the Narcissist Sees You Tactic #2: Reputation Destruction
Have you ever found yourself suddenly isolated, with friends and family turning their backs on you, and you have no idea why? This is the next escalation you can expect when a narcissist knows you're onto them: they will try to destroy your reputation.
If the gaslighting didn’t get you to behave, they move onto more aggressive tactics, smear campaigns and character assassination. A smear campaign is the spreading of false or exaggerated information to damage your reputation. For example, they might tell people that you’ve stolen money, cheated on your partner, or sabotaged a project at work, making you appear dishonest and untrustworthy.
Character assassination is slightly different—it’s a deliberate attempt to destroy your credibility and to erode your support network. For example, they might accuse you of having a drinking problem, being emotionally unstable, or spreading malicious rumors about others, causing your friends, family, and colleagues to question your integrity and sanity.
When you’re an empathetic person, you might make the mistake of trying to defend yourself or explain your actions, believing that if you can just provide enough clarity and evidence, others will see the truth. But this often backfires because the narcissist has already spread lies, making it hard for others to believe you. And narcissists are so fierce, dominating, aggressive, and quick that they will rally the troops around them before you can even blink.
This happened at our wedding, where one day we were celebrating with our family. The following day, it was like how fake news spreads on social media. The narcissist's story that I’d “ruined” the wedding, that “everyone” was upset, and that I needed to apologize… was repeated by each person in the family. Word by word, as if it had been practiced. And those that didn’t confront us directly, stonewalled, ignored, and gave us the silent treatment. Within one night, the narcissist turned the family against us, not only punishing us with silence but also making sure we knew that if we didn't play by her rules, we would no longer have access to the family.
Tools for Empowerment: Firebreak Technique
If you find yourself the target of a smear campaign or find out the narcissist is spreading lies about you, it’s important to protect yourself immediately. My go-to strategy is the Firebreak Technique. The first thing to remember is that fire needs oxygen to burn. In this context, “oxygen” includes reacting emotionally, engaging in arguments, seeking assurance from others, showing visible distress, or providing additional information that the narcissist can use against you. Reacting in these ways can fuel their fire. The best thing you can do is stay calm and disengage, depriving the narcissist of the reaction they seek.
If you need to respond, use neutral, non-committal phrases that don’t feed into the drama. For example, you can say, “I see,” or “That’s interesting,” and leave it at that. This shows that you are not taking the bait and helps you stay strong. Politely excuse yourself from the conversation. You can say something like, “I need to step away for a moment,” or “I’ll catch up with you later.” This allows you to remove yourself from the toxic environment without escalating the conflict.
As you step away, mentally prepare yourself for the challenges ahead. Recognize that this is a tactic to destabilize you. Plan your next steps calmly and strategically. Don’t be afraid to take action to protect yourself. If necessary, seek legal advice for a cease and desist order. If this is happening at work, keep detailed notes and consider submitting them to HR. The key is to not become too silent or passive. Instead, take proactive steps to safeguard your well-being and reputation.
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When the Narcissist Sees You Tactic #3: Threats and Intimidation
Have you ever walked through a dark parking garage at night, feeling hyper-aware of every sound, knowing that danger could be lurking around any corner? This is the feeling you need to memorize when a narcissist knows you're onto them because it is critical feedback alerting you to a possible attack. Paying attention to this heightened sense of awareness can help you prepare for their next escalation: threats and intimidation.
When their usual tactics aren’t working, a narcissist will become more aggressive. This is not something to take lightly. They might threaten to sabotage your career by spreading false allegations to your employer, fabricating evidence to get you fired, or blacklisting you in your industry. They may also resort to physical intimidation, such as showing up unannounced at your home or workplace, making menacing gestures, or even causing harm to you or your loved ones. They could escalate to actions like stalking, harassment, or manipulating others to isolate you further. This use of fear is intended to control and coerce you, making you feel trapped and more likely to comply with their demands. They become highly competitive and would rather see you destroyed, even at their own detriment, than let you succeed.
If you are an empathetic person you might have a hard time imagining that someone could willfully harm you. This disbelief can make it difficult to recognize the severity of the threats and intimidation tactics being used against you. The very nature of your empathy makes you vulnerable to the narcissist's manipulations, because you’re more likely to second-guess your own perceptions and give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt.
Personally, my biggest challenge is that this type of overt aggression tends to trigger a strong PTSD response. Instead of feeling strong and ready to protect myself, I become paralyzed with fear. Even as a grown adult, I feel like a tiny kid, hiding from my mother's rage. My triggered response, my paralysis—though it feels debilitating—is a huge red flag alerting me to not only see the threat for what it is but to ask for protection and help from people I trust, such as friends, lawyers, therapists, or anyone else who is a trusted resource. If you've had abuse or trauma in your past, do your best to create a team of protectors that will help you stay strong.
Tools for Empowerment: Alert Action Method
When you experience that heightened sense of fear, similar to walking through a dark parking garage at night, use the Alert Action Method to protect yourself.
First, check in with the fear and get specific. Instead of letting it remain a vague anxiety, try to pinpoint exactly what you're afraid the narcissist will do. Ask yourself: “What is being threatened? What needs to be protected?” Be as specific as possible. Are you afraid they are going to get you fired? Take your kids? Steal your money? Identifying the specific threat can help you focus on the situation at hand. Next, start taking action. Do whatever you need to do to protect your resources, status, and relationships. Make phone calls, take notes, list facts, or gather evidence.
Fear escalates into overwhelm and anxiety when you don’t take action. So this isn’t the time to overthink things. It’s the time to act and do what you need to do to stay safe in the short and long term. This might mean asking for a transfer at work, getting new locks on your doors, blocking numbers or emails, or finding a safe place to stay. If the threat is severe, contact authorities and seek legal advice.
so to recap…
counter aggressive gaslighting with the strategic silence technique
counter reputation destruction with the firebreak technique
counter threats & intimidation with the alert action method
Knowing what to expect is your first line of defense, but now that you’ve learned what happens after the narcissist knows you know, you need to understand the hidden motivation behind their behavior. So click here next to learn the—3 Secrets All Narcissists Keep, and arm yourself with strategies to shield your emotional well-being. Discover how to spot the signs, cut through the manipulation, and step into your power.