Whether you’re dating, married to, or trying to figure out a past relationship–narcissists can leave you questioning everything if you don’t know how to categorize their behavior. Today, I’ll share five things narcissists do that never make sense, unpack the motives behind these behaviors, and show you how to avoid getting hooked.
Have you ever been completely baffled by someone's behavior? Maybe you're trying to make sense of an ex, a friend, or even a family member who left you questioning your reality. If they’re a narcissist, their actions can be like a maze with no exit—designed to confuse and manipulate. But understanding their patterns can help you regain clarity and control.
After 20 years of coaching and researching self-worth and narcissistic dynamics, I’ve identified five key behaviors narcissists exhibit that can leave you spinning. Let’s unpack these behaviors and learn how to protect yourself.
1. They Use Intermittent Rewards to Keep You Hooked
Have you ever been on the verge of walking away from someone, only for them to suddenly act like the perfect partner, friend, or family member? It’s like a switch flips, and for a moment, they’re everything you wanted them to be. This is classic narcissistic behavior—giving you just enough to keep you hooked.
Narcissists use a psychological tactic called intermittent rewards. It’s the same principle that keeps people addicted to gambling. You never know when the next win—or in this case, their “good behavior”—is coming, so you stay invested, hoping for that next high. This creates a powerful emotional trap, keeping you stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment.
What makes this so baffling is the unpredictability. Most people assume that when someone shows care or affection, it reflects their genuine feelings. But narcissists don’t operate on consistency. Those moments of “goodness” aren’t unconditional—they’re calculated to keep you tethered. It’s not about love or growth; it’s about ensuring you stay invested despite the harm they cause.
Tools for Empowerment: Benefit Check
To start recognizing this pattern so that you can break free, use the Benefit Check.
When someone with a pattern of harmful behavior suddenly flips the script and acts like the perfect partner, friend, or family member, ask yourself: “How does this change in behavior benefit them?”
Instead of being swept up in the apparent goodness of their actions, redirect your focus to the bigger picture. Even though the outward behavior has changed, the internal motive hasn’t. So keep your eye on “What’s in it for them?”
2. They Don’t Value Kindness
Have you ever noticed how some people twist your kindness into an excuse for their behavior? With narcissists, this isn’t accidental—it’s a deliberate strategy. They exploit your empathy, using it as a tool to avoid accountability and keep you in their orbit.
Narcissists know you value compassion and forgiveness. They play the victim, spin heart-wrenching stories, or deliver tearful apologies when they cross the line. These moments make you hesitate because you don’t want to seem unkind or unfair to someone who appears vulnerable. But their “remorse” isn’t about repairing the relationship. It’s a ploy to deflect attention from their actions and draw you deeper into their cycle of control.
What makes this so baffling is that most people see empathy and compassion as good and valuable traits—traits that make us more likable, more dependable, more lovable. But narcissists don’t think this way. To them, this is just a weakness they can exploit. They know you are a good person, and they rely on this, knowing your guilt, patience, and selflessness will make you stay longer than you should.
Tools for Empowerment: Compassion Mirror
The truth is, your empathy isn’t the problem—they are. When someone twists your kindness into something to manipulate you, use the Compassion Mirror to stay empathetic while blocking their control.
If they start spinning a story to make you feel guilty, reflect their emotions without taking on their burden. Calmly say, “It sounds like this has been really hard for you.” Then stop. Resist the urge to fix, rescue, or apologize—none of that is your responsibility.
Next, gently redirect accountability back to them. Say something like, “What do you think will help?” or “What are you planning to do about it?” This keeps the focus on them, signaling that while you care, their problems aren’t yours to solve.
If they push harder or try to guilt you into action, stay calm and say something like, “I trust you’ll figure it out.” By holding steady, you make it clear that your empathy is a strength—not a vulnerability they can exploit.
3. Your Pain Means Nothing
Have you ever been deeply hurt by someone’s words or actions, only to have them act like it never happened? Narcissists are masters of this. They’ll say or do something that cuts to the core, but instead of apologizing or acknowledging the harm, they move on as if nothing ever happened. Worse, they expect you to do the same.
To a narcissist, guilt isn’t about regret for hurting someone—it’s about the fallout they might have to deal with. Admitting fault or taking accountability isn’t just uncomfortable for them; it’s intolerable. To do so would mean exposing a flaw or weakness, which clashes with their need to appear superior and untouchable. So instead of acknowledging harm, they simply move on, leaving you to grapple with unresolved pain.
This behavior is especially baffling to empathetic people, who naturally expect accountability and remorse in healthy relationships. When you don’t see those responses, it’s easy to start questioning yourself: “Am I overreacting? Did I do something wrong?” But the truth is, narcissists aren’t concerned with the pain they’ve caused—they’re focused entirely on self-preservation. Your feelings aren’t part of their equation.
Tools for Empowerment: Name the Pain
When someone hurts you and acts like it never happened, use the Name the Pain tool to honor your feelings and maintain your boundaries.
Say, “I’m feeling [hurt, angry, shocked, etc.], and I’m not going to pretend everything’s fine.” This identifies your emotions and sets a boundary without inviting debate.
If they dismiss or deflect, end the conversation immediately. Say, “I’m not continuing this,” and remove yourself from the call, the conversation, or the room.
4. They Don’t Want to Resolve Conflicts
Have you ever caught someone in a lie or bad behavior, only to hear an excuse so absurd it made you question your own sanity? Narcissists excel at this. When confronted, they don’t just dodge accountability—they create excuses designed to bait you into defending yourself. And that’s exactly the point.
Most people expect excuses to make sense, even if they don’t agree with them. You might think, “Maybe they misunderstood what I meant,” or, “If I just explain myself better, they’ll see the problem.” But narcissists rely on this instinct to draw you into their trap. Every time you try to clarify or explain, you give them what they truly want: your emotional energy.
If you call out a narcissist for their behavior, they might say something like, “You’re always accusing me because you’re insecure,” or, “If you weren’t so controlling, I wouldn’t have had to lie.” These statements aren’t meant to resolve the issue—they’re meant to provoke you. By shifting the focus from their actions to your supposed flaws, they bait you into defending yourself. Before you know it, you’re caught in an emotional argument, trying to prove that you’re not insecure or controlling.
This behavior is super confusing because it’s so counterintuitive. Narcissists don’t care about justifying their actions or finding a resolution. Their excuses are tools to extract something far more valuable: your time, attention, and energy. These are the currencies of narcissistic supply. The more emotional energy you spend defending yourself, the more they feel in control. To them, your reaction isn’t a problem—it’s the prize.
Tools for Empowerment: Don’t Take the Bait
The key to breaking this cycle is recognizing the bait for what it is. Their excuses don’t need to make sense—they’re designed to keep you hooked and engaged. When you see this clearly, you can stop taking the bait. Instead of defending yourself, calmly redirect the focus back to their behavior: “This isn’t about me—it’s about what you did.” By refusing to play their game, you deny them the emotional currency they crave and take back your power.
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5. They Disappear When You Need Them Most
Have you ever faced a dark moment, expecting support from someone close, only to find them completely absent—or worse, making it all about themselves? When you need them most, narcissists vanish emotionally, physically, or both, leaving you to carry the weight of your struggles alone.
This is due to their pathological need to remain the center of attention. Your pain, your needs, and your heartache threaten their ability to receive narcissistic supply. To a narcissist, your struggles shift the spotlight away from them—and they can’t tolerate that. Instead of stepping up to support you, they disengage—or worse, twist the situation to make themselves the victim.
In public, narcissists can appear supportive when there’s an audience. They might sit in a hospital waiting room for a stranger or post a heartfelt message on social media, basking in the praise and admiration. But behind closed doors, it’s a different story. To them, you’re not someone to care for—you’re something to use. When you’re vulnerable, sick, or hurting, you’re no longer useful. Your pain becomes an inconvenience because it interrupts their ability to seek attention elsewhere.
This abandonment doesn’t just happen in the moment—it defines how they view relationships. Narcissists don’t experience connection as a mutual bond; to them, people are tools to be used. And when a tool isn’t functioning as expected, they abandon it without hesitation.
What makes this behavior even more baffling is their lack of object permanence in relationships. When they leave, they aren’t reflecting on your pain or absence—they’re focused solely on finding their next source of attention or validation. Then, when they return—whether days, weeks, or months later—they expect you to erase the past and seamlessly resume the role of supplying their needs. In their mind, they’ve hit a reset button. Your pain, their absence, and their abandonment don’t register.
Tools for Empowerment: Spotlight Shift
Recognizing this dynamic is crucial. When someone abandons you in your darkest moments, use the Spotlight Shift to recognize that their actions aren’t a one-time lapse but part of a deeper pattern.
When they disappear or make it about themselves, remind yourself: “Their need for narcissistic supply always takes precedence. This isn’t about me—it’s about how they operate.” Reframing the situation this way helps you see that their behavior isn’t tied to you or your needs. It’s about their dysfunctional toxicity.
Then take a step back, emotionally or physically, to protect yourself from their ongoing cycle of abuse.
By understanding these five behaviors and using the empowerment tools to protect yourself, you can start to break free from the confusion and regain your sense of self-worth. Narcissistic behavior thrives on your energy, your attention, and your emotional involvement. The more you understand their tactics and disengage from the manipulation, the stronger and freer you’ll feel.
Want to learn more? Watch the video linked here—The Biggest Mistake You Can Make With Narcissists. Discover even more tools to spot narcissists, end manipulation, set better boundaries, and reclaim your life.