Have you ever seen a narcissist change before your eyes? Suddenly, it’s like the mask slips, revealing a new and sometimes terrifying side of them. If you don’t recognize what’s happening, you could fall into their next trap, even if you think you’ve already broken free. Knowing what to expect can save you from unprecedented manipulation, keep you protected and safe.
I've spent the last twenty years researching self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and survivor myself, I teach simple systems to help empower you in any situation.
In this video, I’ll break down three key things a narcissist does when they realize they can’t manipulate you anymore, share examples to help you recognize these behaviors, and give you actionable tips to stay strong and empowered, no matter what they try next.
But before we get into what the narcissist does, I want to make sure you can spot the signs when they know you’re not manipulatable anymore, so you know exactly what to expect.
When a narcissist knows you’re onto them, it means they’ve noticed a change in your pattern—they see that you’re no longer willing to give them the same amount of time, attention, or energy.
In this context, energy can mean emotional energy, financial energy, enabling energy—anything that helps reinforce the narrative they have about themselves. They notice you’re no longer playing along with their story—whether it’s that of the admired hero or the pitied victim.
Somehow, your behavior has changed enough to alert them that you’re no longer going to give them what they desire. To a narcissist, this is an act of war against the carefully curated image they present to the world, and they feel extremely threatened by that.
So they’ll be watching you like a hawk for anything they can use against you—anything you say or do that they can turn against you. So, be aware that the minute you start to heal, communicate boundaries, or change your behavior—even a subtle push-back against their manipulation—is the minute they’ll switch tactics to deal with this new threat.
Don’t underestimate this. A narcissist would rather see your life ruined at their own expense than let you go in peace. So, let’s get into the three things you can expect—in order of difficulty—and how to deal with these challenges.
Point 1: Escalate Tactics
Have you ever seen someone suddenly switch gears—going from zero to full-blown chaos—in a matter of seconds?
This brings us to the first thing a narcissist will do when they realize they can no longer manipulate you: they escalate their tactics to regain control.
When a narcissist thinks that they’ve lost their grip over you, they’re not going to just give up. They can’t stand losing power or control, so instead, they’ll amp up the intensity and try all sorts of different tactics to try to pull you back in. Out of nowhere, they’ll have dramatic emotional outbursts, they’ll punish you with guilt-trips, or even conjure up unimaginable emergencies to bait you into engaging with them. It’s hard to imagine the lengths they will go to escalate these tactics, making sure you feel pressured, anxious, or obligated to respond.
When you’re an empathetic person, you might miss the uptick in manipulation, thinking that something bad has actually happened or that they really are in trouble. This escalation is designed to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong if you don’t respond to them. Remember: this is either a tactic to get you to comply or to intimidate you into behaving. Either way, don’t fall for it.
I’ve helped countless clients work through examples of this. A narcissistic mother who threw herself on the floor, crying hysterically, trying to elicit her daughter’s pity. A narcissistic boss coming unglued and getting in my client’s face, once my client stopped being controllable. A narcissistic husband feigning illness, trying to keep his wife from leaving. Regardless of the situation, the underlying motivation of the narcissist was to escalate the attempt to regain control of the situation and to overpower their source of narcissistic supply.
Tool: Escalation Deflection Method
When a narcissist starts to escalate their tactics, use the Escalation Deflection Method to protect your boundaries and maintain control.
1. First, recognize the escalation for what it is: it’s like a toddler (sometimes a very dangerous toddler) throwing a tantrum. Remind yourself that this heightened behavior is not genuine. It’s merely a strategy they are using to manipulate you. Tell yourself: "This is an act; it’s meant to manipulate me."
2. Next, focus on staying emotionally detached. When they try to get a reaction out of you, do whatever you can to quickly remove yourself from the conversation or the situation. Walk out of the room, hang up the phone, put your notifications on do not disturb. Do not reply to texts.
3. Disengage completely from any part of their tantrum. Do not try to talk them down or try to stabilize their emotions. Remember: they want your attention and your emotional energy. Keep your power by refusing to give it to them.
Point 2: Plays the Victim
The second thing a narcissist does when they can’t manipulate you anymore: is they’ll play the victim to regain your sympathy.
They know that you’re a caring and decent person, so when they feel you slipping from their control, they’ll try to portray themselves as a helpless victim. You’ll hear them share stories about how everyone’s against them, how life is so unfair, or how they’re misunderstood. The goal here is to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotional state, pushing you to re-engage out of sympathy or pity. What’s really happening, though, is that they’re trying to manipulate your kindness, hoping you’ll drop your boundaries and come to their rescue.
Narcissists know that you are different from them. They are fragile and shallow and they don’t think like you, and they don’t care about anyone but themselves. What they want is to use you, and they’ll try to push the victim button to see if they can elicit sympathy and pity from you. Your attention and energy sustains them. They know that you do not want others to suffer, and they count on this to regain control over you.
It’s hard to imagine how calculated and cruel they’re willing to be. My clients have shared horrifically manipulative fabricated stories over the years. Lies the narcissist told about having cancer, going bankrupt, losing their job, or being evicted. And even though my clients knew these stories were meant to coerce them, they could barely withstand their feelings of guilt and obligation. Because who does that?
Tool: Victimhood Deflection Method
When you’re in a situation where the narcissist might be playing the victim to regain your sympathy, use the Victimhood Deflection Method.
1. Recognize this tactic for what it is: a ploy to weaponize your kindness so they can remain in power. If you’re not sure, check both options.
2. Ask yourself how you’d handle this if you knew for sure that it was a ploy. And ask yourself how you’d handle this if you knew for sure that their victimhood was merited.
3. Sometimes just seeing it from both sides, without immediately reacting, will help clarify how involved you want to be. If it’s a ploy, do not fall for it. Say something like, “I’m not able to help with that.” If it’s the truth, do what feels right without blurring your boundaries. You can ask them to articulate exactly what type of help they need, and then determine if you’re willing to offer assistance.
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Point 3: Smear Campaign
This brings us to the third thing, and one of the hardest and most damaging things to deal with, when a narcissist will do when they can no longer manipulate you: they’ll start a smear campaign to damage your reputation.
When a narcissist realizes they’ve lost control over you, they often retaliate by going for full-on character assassination. Once they realize that you’re beyond their control, their only option is to control anyone with access to you. They’ll spread rumors, twist the truth, or make you look like the villain. And they won’t do this alone. They’ll employ flying monkeys—just like in Wizard of Oz—to go out and do the dirty work.
The flying monkeys might be your family members, your coworkers, or your own children. And the goal is always the same: to exile you, to punish you, and to make sure no one believes you.
And this can be so upsetting and painful. And if this has happened to you, I’m sorry. Unfortunately, this happens more often than not. Because when the narcissist can’t control you, there are really only two options: they decide to exile you through a smear campaign, or you decide to exile yourself by going no contact.
Tool: Power Boundary Method
When you’re dealing with a narcissist’s smear campaign, use The Power Boundary Method.
1. The goal of the smear campaign is to not only render you powerless but to take your power.
2. So the only way to protect yourself against a smear campaign is to fiercely protect your personal power. You do this by refusing to defend, explain, or react.
3. The minute you’re on the phone to a flying monkey trying to get them to believe you, you’ve lost your power. The monkey’s mission is to intimidate you so you’ll comply with the narcissist’s wishes.
4. The more you say, the less power you’ll have. When they spread rumors, don’t respond. When they threaten, say nothing. When they publicly shame you, do not engage. Every time you refuse to engage, you protect your own power, and this will protect your boundaries.
so to recap…
3 tactics narcissists do when the can’t manipulate you anymore:
escalate tactics
play the victim
launch a smear campaign
Understanding what to expect is your first line of defense. Now that you know how narcissists react when they lose control, you’re one step closer to maintaining your boundaries and keeping your peace. For even more support, check out our next article, 7 Phrases Narcissists Hate and Why They Work, to learn how to keep narcissists at bay in any situation.