Narcissists use three specific tests to decide if you’re someone they can control. The key isn’t just spotting these tests—it’s knowing how to fail them on purpose, so narcissists get the clear message that you’re not a good target. Today, I’ll break down the three subtle tests narcissists use to find their targets, share real-life examples of how these tests play out, and one simple tool you can use to fail their target test—in any situation.
Narcissists use three specific tests to decide if you’re someone they can control. The key isn’t just spotting these tests—it’s knowing how to fail them on purpose, so narcissists get the clear message that you’re not a good target.
I’ve spent the last twenty years researching self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and survivor myself, I teach practical systems to help empower you.
In this article, I’ll break down the three subtle tests narcissists use to find their targets, share real-life examples of how these tests play out, and, at the end, I’ll share one simple tool you can use to fail their target test—in any situation.
The Narcissist’s Strategy
Have you ever felt like someone was studying you to figure out how much they could take? That’s exactly what narcissists do. They’re constantly hunting for supply—your time, attention, and energy. For them, supply isn’t just a want; it’s a need because their identity relies on external reinforcement. Before they commit to someone as their next source, they test the waters to see how easily you can be manipulated and how likely you are to meet their needs.
These tests are subtle but intentional, designed to spot the most vulnerable. Chances are, you’ve already encountered them without realizing it. Most people fail these tests—but with the right awareness and tools, you can be one of the rare few—one of the 10%—who outsmart them every time.
Test 1: The Idealization Test
Narcissistic relationships follow a predictable cycle: idealization, devaluation, and discard. The idealization phase is where it all begins—and where you’ll see test #1: The Idealization Test. During this stage, the narcissist floods you with attention, admiration, or emotional intensity that feels larger than life. It seems like they’re completely captivated by you, but their goal isn’t connection—it’s to see whether you’re the kind of person who will meet their needs.
At its core, the Idealization Test is the narcissist asking one question: Will you be who I want you to be? They’re not interested in seeing you for who you truly are. Instead, they’re testing whether you’ll fit the role they’ve imagined for you—the admirer, the supporter, or the caregiver they believe they need.
How the Idealization Test looks depends on the type of narcissist you’re dealing with:
Grandiose narcissists use flattery and charm to lift you onto a pedestal. They’ll say things like, “I’ve never met anyone as amazing as you.” They’re testing if you’re susceptible to flattery and willing to lower your guard.
Covert narcissists use vulnerability and self-pity, saying things like, “You’re the only person who understands me.” They’re checking if you’ll step into a caregiver role.
In both cases, this phase feels emotionally powerful because it lowers your defenses. But with a narcissist, this is a tactic to test whether you’re a good target.
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Test 2: The Shared Fantasy Test
This test often overlaps with the Idealization Test. While the Idealization Test checks if you’ll be who they want you to be, the Shared Fantasy Test asks, Will ‘we’ be who I want us to be? The narcissist floods you with attention while weaving a fantasy—an illusion of the perfect partnership, connection, or future—to hook you emotionally.
This test has two layers:
The narcissist tests whether you’ll allow them to play the role in your fantasy, mirroring your dreams and values to make you believe they’re the perfect match.
They test if you’ll play the role in their fantasy—whether as an adoring sidekick (grandiose narcissist) or a self-sacrificing caregiver (covert narcissist).
At first, this fantasy feels incredible, but over time, it becomes draining. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave because you’re chasing the initial high. But the reality is, the fantasy was never real—it was designed to hook you, not to nourish you.
Test 3: The Resource Test
The Resource Test asks one question: Will you give me what I want? By this point, the narcissist has emotionally hooked you. Now, they test how much of your time, attention, and energy they can extract.
They do this by subtly pushing against your boundaries:
Time: They ask, “What are you doing this afternoon?” If you say, “Not much,” they see an opening to claim your time.
Attention: They interrupt you when you’re busy to test if you’ll redirect your focus to them.
Energy: They create unnecessary drama or confusion to exhaust you, making it easier for them to gain control.
The key takeaway? Narcissists know where your boundaries are. They’re just testing to see if you’ll uphold them. If you don’t, they see you as a perfect target.
Tools for Empowerment: The Narcissist Repellent Test
The simplest way to fail all three tests? Slow everything down. Narcissists rely on speed and intensity to overwhelm your judgment. When you pump the brakes, they lose power.
To fail their tests, you must communicate a clear “no” through your actions:
To the “Will you be who I want you to be?” test: Stay consistent with your routines and priorities. Don’t rearrange your life just because someone new wants your attention.
To the “Will ‘we’ be who I want us to be?” test: Resist sharing your deepest hopes too soon. Watch for consistency over time instead of getting swept up in fantasies.
To the “Will you give me what I want?” test: Protect your boundaries. If someone repeatedly pushes against them, take it as your red flag.
When you slow things down and act in alignment with your values, you repel narcissists. By demonstrating that you are not a viable target, they’ll move on.
If you’re ready for the next step, I’ve got more tools to help you spot narcissists, avoid manipulation, and build boundaries that actually work. Click here to learn the—5 Faces of the Female Covert Narcissist. Keep learning, keep growing, and most importantly—stay empowered.