Most people don’t realize they’re arguing with a narcissist until they’re already stuck—trapped in endless conversations that go nowhere. Today, I’ll break down the two levels of this dynamic: the low-level game that pulls you into endless arguments and frustration, and the high-level power move that ends the game for good.
Most people don’t realize they’re arguing with a narcissist until they’re already stuck—trapped in endless conversations that go nowhere.
I’ve spent the last 20 years researching self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and survivor, I teach practical systems to help you take back your power.
In this blog, I’ll break down the two levels of this dynamic—the low-level game that keeps you stuck in frustration, and the high-level power move that ends the game for good.
The First Game: The Squabble
This is the game the narcissist wants you to play. It’s a lot like tic-tac-toe—repetitive, frustrating, and no matter how many times you try, it always ends the same way.
The tricky part? Most of the time, you don’t even realize you’ve stepped into it.
At first, it doesn’t even feel like an argument. It starts with something small and obvious—something that seems so reasonable to correct.
“Why didn’t you call me?” (When you know you did.)
“Why were you so late?” (When you weren’t.)
“You don’t care about me.” (After you’ve gone out of your way to show that you do.)
And it feels natural to respond. You think, “This isn’t an argument, I’m just clarifying a misunderstanding.”
But before you know it, you’re in deep.
The conversation shifts, and suddenly, you’re:
Defending yourself
Justifying your actions
Trying to prove your good intentions
The Trap
You think you’re solving a problem—trying to find common ground or clear up confusion.
But narcissists don’t share that goal.
They don’t want the problem solved. The squabble isn’t about truth or resolution—it’s about keeping you hooked.
The harder you try to make sense of it, the more you get pulled into the loop.
It’s just like that tic-tac-toe game—no matter how carefully you plan your moves, they always block you. You’re stuck reacting while they control the dynamic.
And the squabble only works if you keep playing.
Once you understand this, everything changes.
By the way, if you’re wondering how to assess the level of risk you’re dealing with, I’ve created a free Narcissist Protection Checklist. It’s a quick and powerful way to protect yourself and those you love—grab it in the description below.
The Second Game: The Power Game
The narcissist wants to keep you stuck in tic-tac-toe land—but you don’t have to stay there.
Instead, you can step into a different game.
Think of this game like chess.
Every move matters. It’s not about reacting emotionally or rushing to respond. It’s about thinking several steps ahead and protecting what’s most important—your power.
Understanding Real Power
Most people confuse power with control.
Control comes from fear—fear of being rejected, misunderstood, or losing someone. When we’re afraid, we:
Over-explain ourselves
Try to manage how people see us
Overcompensate to win approval
And this is exactly what drives the squabble.
When the narcissist accuses you of something ridiculous (“You don’t care about me.”), that fear kicks in:
“I need to fix this.”
“I need to explain so they understand.”
But that’s not power—that’s control. You’re reacting out of fear and trying to manage their perception of you.
And the more you try to fix the situation, the more power you hand over.
What Power Really Is
Power doesn’t come from managing or fixing.
Power comes from self-worth—knowing deep down that you deserve attention, respect, and energy not because you fought for it, but because it’s your inherent right.
Power is quiet, steady, and grounded.
It’s like having:
A strong backbone (your strength and boundaries)
A soft heart (your authenticity and openness—but only when you choose to share it)
This strategy makes it impossible for the narcissist to win.
Their entire game depends on keeping you stuck in the squabble—reacting, defending, and justifying.
But when you stop reacting, stop trying to fix, and hold your power, their tactics lose all effectiveness.
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The Five Rules of the Power Game
Since arguing with a narcissist doesn’t work, let’s focus on what does.
The power game isn’t about fighting harder—it’s about stepping into a new strategy altogether.
Rule #1: Stay Calm and Unpredictable
Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Every outburst, every defensive argument, and every frustrated sigh gives them what they want—control.
They know how to push your buttons.
If you don’t react, those buttons stop working.
When you stay calm, you become unreadable—and when you’re unreadable, you’re unpredictable. That throws them off balance.
This doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings—it means choosing not to give them the emotional energy they’re fishing for.
Rule #2: Say Less
Narcissists are master manipulators, especially when it comes to words.
The more you explain, the more ammunition you give them.
Every explanation, every justification, every defense is like handing them a tool.
The less you say, the fewer tools they have.
A boundary doesn’t need to be a debate. It’s just a simple, direct statement:
“I’m not discussing this.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
You don’t owe them explanations or reasons.
Silence and brevity put the control back in your hands.
Rule #3: Stay Consistent
Narcissists test boundaries repeatedly.
They push, provoke, and wear you down to see if you’ll cave.
Power doesn’t come from one dramatic moment—it comes from holding the line, over and over.
If you say you won’t engage, follow through.
If you decide to walk away, don’t get pulled back in because they provoke you one last time.
Consistency sends a clear message: You mean what you say.
Rule #4: Keep Your Distance
The closer you are to a narcissist, the easier it is for them to pull you into their chaos.
Creating distance—emotionally, conversationally, or even physically—is one of the most powerful ways to protect your energy.
This doesn’t mean running away out of fear. It means setting limits on how much of your time, energy, and attention they have access to.
If they bait you into long, exhausting conversations, keep your responses short.
If they constantly call or text to pull you back into drama, step back and limit contact.
The less access they have, the less they can manipulate.
Rule #5: Keep Your Intentions Private
Narcissists thrive on information.
The more they know about your plans, emotions, and vulnerabilities, the more they can exploit them.
You don’t need to explain:
Why you’re pulling back
Why you’re setting boundaries
What your next move is
Think of it like poker—you wouldn’t lay your cards out on the table for your opponent to see.
Protecting your intentions keeps your power firmly in your own hands.
Arguing with a narcissist never leads to resolution—but that doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck.
By stepping out of their game and into a new strategy, you take your power back.
Want more tools to help you spot manipulation and build better boundaries? Click here to learn the—3 Ways Narcissists Test Their Next Target. It’s packed with strategies to help you create the life you deserve.