Ever wonder why some relationships with friends, coworkers, partners, or family members shift from harmonious to harmful? In today's video, I explore three foundational reasons why relationships can become toxic. Drawing from personal experience and years of observation, I share about patterns we might accidentally create, and how we can find our way to healthier connections.
TRANSCRIPT
Why is it that relationships with friends, coworkers, romantic partners, and even family members often turn into something so toxic? And how do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? Healthy relationships are not easy to come by and I wanted to find out why, so I did a deep dive into my own history, as well as that of clients, and I found 3 reasons why relationships turn toxic and how to spot the signs.
Have you ever felt like you’re not quite yourself in a relationship? That was me. I had this ability to figure out exactly what people needed from me and became just that. I thought that to be accepted, I had to become a chameleon.
I didn’t have a solid sense of self, and I forged friendships quickly and easily, sometimes even in a single conversation.
Mistake #1: Fast-Tracking Relationship
One of my closest friendships started by a knock on my hotel door. I was in my hotel room, getting ready for bed. I had worked all day and I was tired. It was around 11 pm, and I looked through the peephole to see one of my coworkers outside my door. She said, “Hey… let’s go swim!” Without even blinking, I said, Ok! Changed into my swimsuit and we swam and talked through the night, and became inseparable after that.
I thought my eagerness to fast-track relationships was a quirky characteristic or even a unique talent–I didn’t realize this type of accelerated bonding was actually a sign of a lack of boundaries and I didn’t know that it would always lead to unstable dysfunctional patterns.
Mistake #2: Trying to Be Who Someone Else Wants
After that night at the pool, my friend and I became, in my eyes, soul sisters. We'd talk several times a day, about every aspect of our lives. At least that’s what I thought… but looking back, I can see that I avoided sharing things I thought she wouldn’t like about me, and instead tried to be who I thought she wanted me to be.
Of course, this wasn’t a conscious calculation, nor was I intentionally trying to deceive anyone. I honestly believed that this was how relationships worked, that love was earned through becoming what someone else needed. In other words, I believed that I was worthy of love, friendship, and belonging only when I erased myself completely.
I couldn’t have been more wrong–which brings us to the next reason relationships can turn toxic: the erosion of self. I didn’t know that my dysfunctional pattern would never get me what I really wanted. Or that this pattern prevented me from ever feeling connection, intimacy, or belonging.
Mistake #3: Balance of Power Is Unequal
As time passed, I allowed myself to become so enmeshed in this friendship that I felt like I had no footing of my own. I became more timid and secretive, and she became more assertive and critical.
So here's another heads-up for you: watch out for relationships where the balance of power is way off. If you find that one person is dominating the friendship—making all the decisions, steering every conversation, or simply having too much influence—that's usually a recipe for toxicity down the line. Friendships aren't always 50/50, but if someone's got the upper hand all the time, you might be creating a toxic dynamic that is about control and manipulation rather than respect and care.
So why do so many relationships turn toxic? It's often because we ourselves unknowingly set the stage for it.
Questions to Check for Toxicity
If you’re wondering about one of your relationships, Ask yourself the following questions:
Did you fast-track emotional closeness?
Do you feel like you lose your sense of self when you’re around this person?
Do you notice that one person seems to dominate or control the dynamic?
If you’re nodding yes to any of these questions, it’s time to get to work. The thing is sometimes the people in the relationship are not toxic, but the dynamic is.
I can’t help but wonder if I had the chance to do it all over, if I had answered that hotel door and just said, No not tonight I’m tired… would we have ended up in the same place? If I had told her the truth, and taken time to share who I really was, and owned my own power within the friendship–would we still be friends?
It’s impossible to know because I had so much healing to do and so much to learn. To hear more about my story, what finally made it all click, watch this next: Escaped: Life After Covert Narcissistic Abuse.