Today, I’ll share the 10 biggest mistakes I made about narcissists—and what you can look for to avoid the same mistakes.
Imagine thinking you knew how to spot a narcissist. You understood the signs, believed you could protect yourself, and avoid their traps—only to realize years later that you’d been surrounded by them all along, completely unaware.
That’s exactly what happened to me. I thought I had it all figured out. I believed I could spot the signs, protect myself, and avoid their traps. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. And because of that, I stayed trapped in toxic dynamics for years, second-guessing myself and replaying the same patterns over and over.
After more than 20 years of coaching and research, I have to admit: for the first 10 years, I had no idea how wrong I was. I had to learn the hard way. But those hard lessons transformed how I understand narcissistic relationships today.
Today, I’ll share the 10 biggest mistakes I made about narcissists and what you can look for to avoid the same mistakes.
1. I Thought I Was Exaggerating My Unhappiness
In my first marriage, I told myself a thousand times that I was being dramatic or that my expectations were too high. I’d brush off loneliness, thinking, “It’s not that bad,” or I’d tell myself, “Maybe I just need to focus on the positive.”
I did the same thing with guilt trips and constant criticism, convincing myself I was being overly sensitive. I became so good at pretending everything was fine that I started to believe my own excuses.
Looking back, I see how much I ignored the sadness that wouldn’t go away, how invisible I felt in my relationship. I wasn’t exaggerating—I was gaslighting myself. And that denial kept me stuck, unable to face the truth about the people closest to me.
We often think we’re exaggerating because narcissists are masters of downplaying their behavior and shifting blame onto us. Over time, this gaslighting wears us down, making us doubt our own feelings. And then we start wondering if we’re the problem.
2. I Believed I’d Never Be Happy in Any Relationship
Being raised by narcissists, I never knew what it felt like to be properly loved. I had nothing to compare against, no way to see how wrong things were.
It seemed normal to feel like I wasn’t good enough, like the person I was with didn’t actually want to be with me. I convinced myself that this was just how relationships worked—that I’d always feel unloved, like a burden, or like I wasn’t measuring up.
I believed I’d be in a relationship like that forever.
Those feelings weren’t about me—they were the hallmarks of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists don’t just make you feel small; they break you down piece by piece. They convince you that your needs are too much, that your feelings don’t matter, and that your worth is measured by how much you can give to them.
When you’ve never experienced healthy love, it’s easy to think feeling empty or unseen is just how relationships are. But that’s not true. That emptiness isn’t normal—it’s a red flag.
3. I Thought Narcissists Were Just Wounded People Like Me
I used to believe their behavior came from a place of pain, that their cruelty was unintentional. I thought, “They’ve been hurt, and they’re just lashing out.”
Here’s what I know now: while they may have been hurt, they’ve chosen a path of using and harming others to get their needs met. This isn’t innocent.
Plenty of people endure horrific trauma without resorting to manipulation or cruelty. Narcissists, on the other hand, exploit others deliberately and without remorse.
Looking back, I see how dangerous it was to confuse their wounds with mine. I was giving them a pass they didn’t deserve, excusing behavior that caused real harm. Recognizing this difference allowed me to stop rationalizing their actions and start protecting myself.
If you’d like a copy of the tools I share, sign up below and you’ll get a new 3-minute empowerment plan every week.
4. I Thought I Could Win Them Over with Kindness
I thought if I was patient enough, loving enough, or understanding enough, they’d finally care about me or really love me—or even choose me.
But no matter what I gave, it was never enough. Looking back, I realized I was like a moth to a flame, chasing after the very people who could never love me.
Narcissists don’t see your kindness as love; they see it as weakness. They don’t love you, but they love what you’re offering. They’ll feed on your compassion, using it as a tool to take control of the relationship.
The more you try to show them love, the more they’ll exploit it, leaving you depleted and trapped. The painful truth is that you can’t fix them, and you can’t win them over. The only way to take back your power is to stop giving it away.
5. I Didn’t See How Narcissists Use Their Children
I thought my ex was just cold and callous with me. I never imagined he’d be the same with our daughter.
He said all the right things—that he loved her, wanted to help her, and wanted to be a good father. But his words didn’t match his actions.
He didn’t care for her when she was sick, hurting, or upset. What he really wanted was to be seen as a good dad.
Narcissists don’t truly care about their children, no matter what they say. Kids are just another object to be used—for supply, attention, sympathy, or to boost their own ego.
6. I Believed Narcissists Had Two Different Personalities
I thought they flipped between two extremes: a cruel, calculating side behind closed doors and a charming, nice side in public.
But I had it all wrong. These aren’t two personalities—they’re two sides of the same coin.
Both the cruelty and the charm come from the same motive: power and control. Behind the scenes, they tear you down to dominate you. In public, they turn on the charm to manipulate others into seeing them as kind or generous.
It’s not a split personality—it’s a strategy.
7. I Thought Narcissism Was Just a Personality Quirk
I used to think narcissists were just selfish or shallow—annoying, but harmless. I had no idea how wrong I was.
Narcissists don’t just want to get their way. They’re willing to harm others to achieve it. They manipulate, lie, and destroy relationships without a second thought, feeling entitled to do so.
Understanding this changed everything for me. Narcissism isn’t just annoying—it’s dangerous.
8. I Felt Guilty for Protecting Myself
I used to avoid them—by ghosting them, not answering calls, or dodging requests. But the guilt I felt afterward was crushing.
I believed that not doing what they wanted made me a bad person.
Narcissists twist your empathy, making you feel like protecting yourself is failing them. But it’s not. Setting boundaries isn’t wrong, and your guilt isn’t your moral compass—it’s their manipulation at work.
9. I Thought Narcissists Were Rare
I assumed narcissists were rare—a one-in-a-million type. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Research shows one in six people exhibit strong narcissistic traits. If you’ve been surrounded by them, it’s not random. Narcissists recognize empathetic, agreeable people as easier to manipulate.
10. I Thought Being ‘Chosen’ Made Me Special
When a narcissist brought me into their circle, I felt special—like being included in their world was an honor.
Being chosen by a narcissist isn’t a compliment. It’s a warning. They’re not drawn to your strengths to celebrate them—they’re drawn to exploit them.
If these mistakes resonate with you, know you’re not alone. Awareness is the first step to breaking free and reclaiming your power.
Want to learn more? Click here to learn—Why/How Narcissists Are Evolving and 5 New Red Flags to Look Out For. Learn more tools to spot narcissists, avoid their traps, and build boundaries that actually work. See you there!