Narcissists give themselves away quickly in conversations, but you have to know what to look for. In this video, you’ll learn 5 clues that’ll help you spot a narcissist in conversation, personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns, and actionable strategies to empower you in any conversation, making sure you're always one step ahead.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling inexplicably drained and undervalued? Where maybe you’d hoped to make a connection, find some common ground, or get to know each other, but were left feeling insignificant, ignored, sidelined, or a little foolish?
If you find yourself feeling anxious, full of self-doubt, or replaying conversations to try to make sense out of what was said: you might be dealing with a narcissist.
I’ve spent the last twenty years researching the deep connection between self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and someone who's lived these challenges, I know how difficult these interactions can be.
Today, I'll give you 5 clues that’ll help you spot a narcissist in conversation, personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns, and actionable strategies to empower you in any conversation, making sure you're always one step ahead.
Clue 1: Self-Centered Conversation
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a conversation where it feels like you're just an audience to someone else's monologue?
This is our first clue to spotting a narcissist in conversation: the overwhelming dominance of self-centered topics. It's when the balance of dialogue tips not towards a mutual exchange, but into a monologue spotlighting one person only.
When you’re talking to a narcissist, you'll notice a recurring pattern: the dialogue orbits around them. They’ll talk about their achievements, they’ll highlight talents or traits for you to admire, or difficult hardships they’ve overcome. They’ll tell stories of either the hero to be admired, or the victim to be pitied. It’ll feel as though the conversation is a stage, and they're the sole performer. This won’t be someone enthusiastic about sharing; it’ll be a consistent neglect of mutual exchange, where your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are sidelined.
And this can be tricky when you’re an empathetic person like you and me… because we are naturally interested in people. We are caring and concerned when they’ve had hardships and we are happy to celebrate someone else’s achievements. In my experience, I’d often walk away from the conversation, not even realizing that the person never asked about me. For example, I had one family member who told me the same story about how cruel her mother was on her deathbed every holiday. I’d nod my head and wait for the moment where I could share that we both had this in common—my mom had done the exact same thing. But year after year, it was the same thing, she wasn’t interested in getting to know me. I was just a willing audience.
Quick Strategy for Engaging or Exiting One-Sided Conversations
To directly address and navigate the challenge of self-centered conversation, employ the 'probe and pivot' method. This strategy is not just about finding a way to enter the conversation but also serves as a subtle test to see if the person can shift focus from themselves and genuinely engage with your perspective.
First, use a straightforward question to check engagement. Ask something like, “Would you like to hear about my experience with that?” This question not only offers you an opening to share your perspective but also serves as a litmus test for their interest in a two-way conversation. If they seize the opportunity to engage with your story, it might open the door for more reciprocal dialogue. However, if they dismiss or overlook your invitation, it's a clear indicator of where the conversation stands, helping you decide whether it's worth continuing the interaction.
If the response is more self-focused talk without acknowledgment of your question, it's time to pivot. Excuse yourself from the conversation with a polite but firm exit, such as, “I just remembered I have something to attend to, but let's catch up another time.” This allows you to gracefully exit situations where mutual engagement is absent and assess whether these patterns persist in future interactions, helping you identify if you're dealing with narcissistic behavior.
Clue 2: Criticism and Judgment
Have you ever left a conversation feeling smaller than when you entered it, confused by how your self-esteem took a hit from just a few minutes of interaction? This brings us to our second thing you’ll hear in a conversation with a narcissist: a quickness to criticize or pass judgment, often right from the get-go. It's a subtle yet powerful way they assert their dominance.
In conversation, you’re going to hear them make dismissive comments or outright judgments about people they know, the places they work, family members, neighbors, bosses or coworkers. You’ll notice how quick they are to comment on other people’s choices, behaviors, or they even might criticize yours, under the guise of being 'blunt' or 'honest.' If you listen carefully, you’ll notice that these comments are meant to elevate their position by disparaging someone else. This isn't just about having an opinion; it's about making others feel lesser, boosting their own sense of superiority.
Now, when you’re an empathetic person, this is easy to miss because you’re more prone to want to connect with others, rather than to spot red flags. You might internally make excuses for them, or minimize their remarks, rather than calling them on their rudeness or callousness in the moment.
But other times, it’s glaringly obvious. I remember being on a first date with this guy who within the first fifteen minutes started talking about how his 10 year old daughter had gained a lot of weight since his divorce. There was no hint of concern or worry or empathy, he was blatantly willing to throw his daughter under the bus, trying to look as if he was morally superior to her. That’s when you don’t even pretend to be polite, you just stand up and walk away.
Action Plan for Handling Criticism or Judgment in Conversation
In facing the barrage of criticism and judgment, the 'acknowledge and test' method empowers you to neutralize negative impacts without direct confrontation. By acknowledging the comment without agreement and then testing with an empathetic question, you're not only protecting your self-worth but also subtly challenging the narcissist's tendency to belittle, providing you with valuable insights into their behavior.
First, acknowledge you heard them without agreeing. A simple, "I see," or "That's one way to look at it," keeps you neutral. Then, ask a question that tests for empathy and self-awareness, "How do you think that made them feel?" or "Have you ever done something like that?" These questions will give you feedback about their capacity for empathy and consideration of other perspectives. Watch their reaction to your questions. A narcissist will deflect, ignore, or escalate criticism without showing genuine empathy or interest in your perspective.
You can also try a gentle redirect towards a different topic, "What's something good that happened to you recently?" This not only shifts the focus but also tests their willingness to engage in a balanced conversation. If their behavior doesn't change, consider your comfort and whether the conversation aligns with your values. A polite but firm exit strategy might be, "It seems we have different views on this. I appreciate the chat but I'll have to leave it here for now." This step allows you to gracefully exit the conversation while preserving your mental well-being.
Clue 3: Unsolicited Advice as a Power Play
Onto the next clue: Have you ever received advice that you didn’t ask for, which somehow made you feel worse about your situation, especially when it seemed like the person offering it didn’t truly have your best interest at heart? Let's talk about the third clue to identify a narcissist in conversation: unsolicited advice that’s not always as well-meaning as it appears. Rather than trying to help you, the narcissist is more focused on asserting their superiority and belittling you. It’s a common tactic used to assert dominance and control veiled under the guise of concern.
This can be really confusing, especially if you didn’t ask for advice. They wrap their critique in a thin veil of concern, making you second-guess your choices. It's not really about the quality of their advice but how confidently they deliver it, even when it’s clear they don’t fully grasp your situation. It’s like they’re using their 'wisdom' to subtly knock you down a peg, all while boosting themselves up, suggesting they’ve got all the answers when really, they might not know much more than you do. It's a form of manipulation, one that wears down your confidence under the pretense of 'care'.
I remember sharing with a family member about an upcoming doctor’s appointment to help me deal with my perimenopause symptoms, and she emphatically told me not only that I shouldn’t go, but that if I was 'stronger' I’d be more like her. Where I’d hoped to find connection in sharing this, I ended up walking away feeling embarrassed and dismissed. She not only made me feel like I was making a mistake, but also positioned herself as morally superior for being more natural and avoiding medication or help.
Action Plan for Handling Unsolicited Advice: Reflect and Redirect
After recognizing unsolicited advice for what it often is—a power play veiled as concern—it's essential to have a strategy not just for coping, but for asserting your autonomy without escalating tension. This is where the 'Reflect and Redirect' method comes into play. It empowers you to handle this type of advice by reflecting on its intent and choosing how to engage with it, so that you remain in control of the conversation and your responses.
If you're on the receiving end of unsolicited advice that feels undermining, pause and ask yourself, “Does this advice feel supportive, or does it make me question my self-worth?” If you’re feeling unsupported or riddled with self-doubt, you're likely dealing with manipulative intent. A simple way to check and potentially exit the conversation is to say, “It’s definitely nuanced.” This response respectfully acknowledges the exchange without conceding your power, giving you a graceful exit from the conversation.
Assess how they handle your feedback. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’ll see them persist or even double-down with their advice, while they disregard your feelings entirely. You’ll see them ignore your cues while they continue to impose their viewpoint, prioritizing their need to be right over empathizing with you.
Clue 4: Competition and Dominance
Moving on… Have you ever been in a conversation, where the goal seemed to be who could speak the fastest or the most? What does it tell you when someone treats dialogue as a race for air-time, leaving little room for your voice? This leads us to our fourth clue in spotting a narcissist in conversation: the relentless battle for air-time. It's like dialogue becomes a competition, not for the best ideas, but for who can dominate the conversation with the sheer volume of words.
In these interactions, the aim isn’t just to share or to contribute but to overwhelm. The person monopolizes the conversation, relentlessly interrupting and talking over, not merely to participate but to dominate. This overwhelming flood of words isn’t about enthusiasm for the topic; it's a strategic move to shift the power balance. By ensuring they're the primary voice heard, they position themselves as the most influential figure in the room, effectively diminishing the presence and contributions of others.
What you'll see is a conversation where the scales are heavily tipped—one person does most of the talking, often cutting you off, interrupting you, or blatantly speaking over you. They'll seem to be in a constant rush to express their thoughts, leaving zero space for yours. This isn't just eagerness to share; it's a clear tactic to maintain control, making sure their voice dominates and your input becomes secondary, if not entirely sidelined.
When you’re a generous and kind person, you might miss this because you’re not threatened by allowing someone to have the floor, or you might even be more comfortable taking the backseat in a conversation. But it’s important to know this relentless grab for conversational dominance is a red flag for narcissism because of the underlying purpose: to shift the power dynamics. It’s a calculated effort to reduce the conversation to a one-sided showcase of their own views. This behavior illustrates a profound lack of empathy and a desire to maintain control, marking a significant departure from healthy, mutual conversation.
I recently experienced this at a meeting that was supposed to be collaborative. I had a list of questions that I’d hoped to address, but as the meeting went on I felt more like I was trying to jump into a heated tennis match rather than a conversation. I even found myself at one point raising my hand to try to get a word in edgewise. By the end of the hour, I felt unseen, unheard, and completely marginalized.
Action Plan for Competitive Dominance: Pause, Question and Assert
Facing a conversational steamroller, who turns dialogue into a competition, requires a deliberate strategy that allows you to reclaim your space without directly confronting the aggressive dynamic. This is where the 'Pause, Question, and Assert Method' comes into action. Designed specifically to address the challenge of competing for air-time, it equips you with the tools to interrupt the cycle of dominance gently, ensuring your voice is heard and respected.
When you notice the conversation being dominated, take a moment to collect your thoughts. This pause is crucial for preventing reactive responses and for planning your next steps calmly. Then ask a question. You can subtly challenge the dynamic, with a simple question like, “Can I add a perspective here?” or “I have some thoughts on this, may I share?” This approach can momentarily disrupt the power imbalance and signal your intent to contribute.
Regardless of the response, do your best to assert your position with a statement like, “I think it’s important we consider all sides, including [your point].” This demonstrates your willingness to engage while firmly placing your contributions on the table.
Then watch for feedback. A narcissist will react differently to this strategy than others might. While many will welcome your desire to contribute, a narcissist might double down on dominating the dialogue or dismiss your input. This reaction is telling. In healthy interactions, there’s room for everyone's voice. If your attempts at equitable conversation are consistently met with resistance or dismissal, it’s a strong indicator of the individual’s narcissistic tendencies. If you find your efforts to balance the dialogue are met with continued dominance or disregard, it may be time to reevaluate and end the conversation.
Clue 5: Sensitivity to Criticism
Have you ever been caught off guard by someone's defensive or even aggressive reaction to what you thought was a mild or neutral comment? What does it mean when someone reacts with defensiveness or outright hostility? This is our final clue for spotting narcissism in conversation, a pronounced sensitivity to criticism. Interestingly, for narcissists, even the absence of complete compliance or wholehearted agreement can be misconstrued as judgment or criticism.
Narcissists often operate under a binary perception of interactions: you’re either with them or against them. This mindset leads to a scenario where any deviation from their views, or simply offering a different perspective, can trigger a defensive or aggressive response. It’s not just direct criticism that sets this off; even a neutral comment or a question intended to clarify can be perceived as an attack. Their reaction isn’t proportional to the supposed 'threat,' revealing a deep-seated vulnerability to any form of perceived challenge.
When you’re an empathetic person, you’ll naturally pick up on their sensitivity and you might unconsciously avoid saying anything to trigger this. You might know certain topics are touchy, or you might feel that you need to outwardly agree with their position, even when inwardly, you don’t. But this isn’t a healthy strategy because you need to be willing to share your point of view so that you can pay attention to how they handle it. You miss valuable information if you avoid conflict.
I remember being on a date (yes, another date with a different narcissist…) where I mentioned that I loved yoga. And the guy looked at me like I had just insulted his mother and he said, “You don’t do that whole omming thing at the end do you? That’s satanic.” Back then, I didn’t recognize the red flag that this was, nor how important it was for me to speak up at that point so that I could get a clear assessment of who I was dealing with. Instead of staying true to myself, I just gave an ambiguous reply so I wouldn’t upset him. What started as a small compromise to avoid conflict evolved into a pattern that dominated our relationship, ultimately costing me years of my life where I silenced my own voice to keep the peace. It was a hard lesson in the importance of standing firm in my values and the dangers of letting someone else's disproportionate reactions dictate the terms of our relationship.
Action Plan for Sensitivity to Criticism: Perspective Check
When you’re navigating conversations with someone who seems to see disagreement as a personal attack, it's crucial to have a strategy that tests their openness to other perspectives without triggering defensiveness. The 'Perspective Check' is designed precisely for this scenario. It allows you to subtly introduce a different viewpoint and observe the reaction, so that you can tell whether you're dealing with a healthy level of self-confidence or a narcissistic sensitivity to perceived criticism.
Empathy is important, but too much of it can cause us to prioritize other people’s voices over our own. The Perspective Check isn’t just a skill to check for potential narcissists. It’s a tool for every conversation. It will help you remain present and heard, so you can embody your empathetic nature without losing yourself in the process
Start by expressing your own experience or belief in a gentle way, followed by an invitation for the other person's perspective. You could say something like, “I really love the Avett Brothers, what kind of music do you like?”
Then carefully observe how they respond to your sharing. Are they listening and engaging with respect? Are they too eager to agree (another red flag that I’ll cover in a future post), or are they dismissive, perhaps even belittling? A supportive reaction encourages a shared exchange of ideas, indicating emotional maturity and respect.
You’re looking for someone that is at ease having their own perspective, without needing to conform to your idea, or being threatened by differing opinions. Healthy interactions aren't about agreeing on everything but about respecting and learning from each other's unique experiences and beliefs. Mastering the Perspective Check is essential for anyone, especially those of us with high empathy, to make sure we don't lose sight of our own voices.
so to recap…
the 5 clues to spot a narcissist in conversation:
Self-centered conversation
criticism and judgement
unsolicited advice as a power play
competition and dominance
sensitivity to criticism
But here’s the deal, even if you’re not dealing with a narcissist, it’s important to recognize patterns that can damage even the most loving relationships. So click to learn about five common communication mistakes that most of us make without even realizing it, and learn how to repair these mistakes so you can pave the way for happier and more peaceful relationships—5 Relationship Mistakes No One Ever Taught You.