Have you ever felt like hiding because of shame or guilt? It's a natural human emotion that can impact our self-worth and keep us stuck in the Worthless Cycle. But rather than spiraling downward, we can choose to follow the worthy cycle, which values our true self over the ideal image. To break free from the Worthless Cycle, we must take actions to repair lost connections and honor our need for connection
Five Questions to Help You Navigate Anger
There are quite a few things that I'd love to devote my entire day to, but let's be clear: jury duty isn't one of them. Alas, last week my number was called and it was my turn to go on down to the courthouse for my civic duty.
To be honest, I think I was in denial about the whole thing, half-hoping that by some miracle it would disappear off my schedule before the date arrived. But as the minutes ran out, I finally came around to accepting reality. I packed a bag full of books, brought my laptop, my phone and my journal and settled into a day that I expected to be about as thrilling as a trip to the DMV.
The Power of a Beautiful Question
Every January I take some time to look back over the previous year. I reflect on what went well and the aspects that I liked. I look at the challenges of the previous year, what was difficult and how I can rise above those challenges in the upcoming year. This past year was a demanding work year for me. I worked more hours, in more locations, with more intensity than ever before. Yet, reflecting back on how much energy I've been expending, I still feel like I'm not keeping up. At the end of the day, I'm still collapsing into bed with the nagging feeling that I could have and should have done more.
I've spent the past week journaling, studying and reflecting on my priorities, my desires and on the overall vision that I want to create for 2016. What I found is that I had forgotten the importance of one of the most basic (yet life-changing) life coaching tools available: the power of a beautiful question.
Ask A Better Question
At some point over the last few months, I decided to not have fun.
I don't know if it was the aftermath of several back-to-back work events, moving to a new home, an extraordinary and unexpected tax bill, pouring myself into writing a new book, or saying "I do" and settling into a new life. But at some point, I unconsciously decided to get serious.
As if I wouldn't do these things if I allowed myself to be happy in the meantime. As if my seriousness would make me more efficient, more successful, better at getting-shit-done. Somewhere along the line, I fell into my old habit of living life as one never-ending checklist and seeing each day as the hamster wheel that gets me no closer to what I'm truly wanting.
How To Let Go
I know how to hold on.
How to push. Force. Sweat. Grunt. Dig deep. Grit my teeth. And get shit done.
I'm fiercely talented at keeping a grudge alive.
I know how to stay focused. Eyes on the prize. Nose to the grindstone.
I don't give up. Nor do I give in. Until the universe beats it into me.
Surrender's just not my strong-suit.
And sometimes this strength has moved mountains in my life. It's gotten me through death and divorce. It has finished a marathon, published two books, and paid off more than a half-million in debt.
But sometimes this strength has been my weakest link.
Because anything too rigid.
Can break.
And I did. Well, my heart did.
The Harsh Truth About Healthy Boundaries
Listen.
We all have them.
Some of us have long ones. Some of us have short ones. Some of us have nice ones. Some of us have mean ones. Some of us pretend to not have them at all. And some of us just whip ‘em out at any old time, and use them as manipulative weapons of mass destruction.
No matter the size, the length or the age.
We always keep these hidden from sight. And we know the entire thing by heart.
On page 42 it might say, “If you see that I’m upset, you’re supposed to ask me what’s wrong.”
On page 128 it might say, “If it’s Christmas, you’re supposed to know what I want and get it for me.”
On page 387 it might say, “When you see a beautiful woman, you’re supposed to be struck blind momentarily and give me extra attention just because she walked by.”
On page 956 it might say, “When you’re upset, you’re supposed to talk to me and make me feel included.”
Basically, we carry around encyclopedia-set-sized invisible instruction manuals titled “How You Should Make Me Happy; Volumes I - Infinity.”
How To Be Extraordinary
I have a question that I'd love for you to answer.
Try not to read ahead quite yet.
I want you to articulate your own answer to this.
What makes a person extraordinary?
Pause. Don't read on. Answer the question first.
Really think about it. Think about the people who you think are amazing or extraordinary.
What is it that makes up that extraordinary-ness?
What is your definition of a truly amazing human being?
I posted this question in Rowdyville (read their answers below) - and have been contemplating my own answer all week.
And what I found was there is actually a very simple 2-step concept that sets apart Mother Teresa. Martin Luther King. Oprah. Or any other amazing person that you know.
Dropping Busy
Many of us become obsessed with 'doing' because we believe this defines who we are.
We 'do' all these things to try to prove that we aren't replaceable.
That we matter.
That we are important.
And not invisible.
But all this doing is clouding the real essence of who we are. We're actually losing ourselves in all the busy-ness - which ends up making us feel even more replaceable, more invisible.
Gotta Love The Thing You Hate
You can’t hate your bank account into being rich. You can’t criticize your body into being thin. You can’t resent your career into success. And you can’t bitch your relationship into true everlasting love.
But people try to do this every day. People like you. People like me.
We focus on things we don’t like. And we think that this focus is what facilitates change. As if hating something enough will make it disappear.
This hate, resent, criticizing and bitching that we practice creates a tremendous amount of un-needed suffering for us. It makes our lives more complicated. It creates an incredible emotional burden. And it has zero payoff. This strategy is a guaranteed fail.
No One Is Going To Save You
Let’s get this straight.
I have never been a docile, passive or victim-y person. I have never appeared to be the damsel-in-distress-type. I’ve always had my snappy comebacks. My audaciously loud laugh. My sassy independence.
Yet for most of my adult life, concealed behind the tough exterior, was a woman (girl) secretly waiting to be saved.
I believed that if I just had the right guy. Or the right job. Or the right body. Or the right family.
Or maybe if I lived in the right place. Or fell into enough money.
That everything would be ok. That I would finally be safe.
Lovable.
That I would feel at home. That I would belong.